Saturday, August 26, 2006

So I decided to keep a running diary of my activities and thought leading up to my brother's wedding today. Wanna read it, here it go?

Saturday

5:30am: I woke up at my mother's house in an effort to get to the airport 90 hours early like they request you too. I immediately had thoughts of slaying my brother OJ style, for indirectly forcing me to miss my sleep in time on Saturday morning. I digress

5:35 am: While in the shower, I realize that my mother does not have any wash cloths, only a white loofah. Nothing says masculinity like a loofah on the balls.

7:00am: During the drive to the airport, my mother waxes poetic about her dating life, my brother and growing up. It was poignant and all that, but I wanted to tell her get a fucking blog man, its too early for all this.

8am: I remove my belt and shoes for the security while at the airport, I go thru the detector, and then I put them back on. The area where folks put back on the clothes they removed, reminds me of the morning after a one night stand. People putting on clothes, frantic looks on ones faces, everyone thinking, let me get the hell out of here fast.

8:30am: I approach the gate and look at everyone who is scheduled for my flight, and I'm studying each of them like Grissom from CSI. I look at any potential problematic foreigner(racist? maybe but hey I'm black I get a pass right? besides my life is at stake). I also look for big breasted women to grope in case the plane goes down in flames.

8:31 am: My flight attendant looks like Michael Douglas (http://www.sp.uconn.edu/~jstiver/Eco230/michael_douglas_p1.jpg) and the other one looked like Joe Namath (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8a/Joe_Namath.jpg/200px-Joe_Namath.jpg). Clearly AirTran rolled out the handsome woman crew for us this morning. Their hands looked like catchers mitts, and their voices sounded they like they repeatedly drank black coffee and chained smoked cigarettes.

8:45am: I say my customary prayer for me, my mom, me, everyone else on the plane and me again. I take this prayer very seriously. My life is on the line.

915am: I ignored the flight instruction speech from my two she male flight attendants, and now I put my headphones on and listen to the new J Dilla CD (http://www.j-dilla.com/)

9:17am: Curiously, I get the erection from hell out of nowhere. I mean this is like I just woke up and had a side dish of Viagra for breakfast. I mean all I was doing was reading ESPN the magazine..does this mean I have the gay?

10am: I make two miraculous discoveries at the same time. One, the airplane magazine has Scarlett Johannson on the cover (http://www.alcanthang.com/poker/scarlett_globes.jpg). Good times! Scarlett is one of my two white girl crushes(the other being Natalie Portman http://www.egreetingz.com/celebrities/n/natalie_portman/enlarge/natalie_portman_1.jpg). I really would like to do bad things to both of them, preferably at the same time. The other discovery I made during the flight, was XM Radio. I didn't even know airplanes had this feature available. As I write this, I'm listening to Barry White (aka Jerome Bettis in like 5 years) tell someone that he's never going to give them up. This trip is getting better by the minute

10:15 am: The pilot announces that we are starting our descent into ATL. Almost on cue, an Indian(or perhaps Pakistani) woman gets up and goes to the bathroom. Everyone gives her the look of death(except me I'm writing). Racial profiling is alive and well on Air Tran airlines and everyone is guilty (except me I'm writing).

10:30am: I glanced at my mother's magazine and she's reading an article in Essence about a 36 year old virgin who is saving it for marriage. Get the fuck out of here man, 36 years old? Nobody holds out for marriage anymore, you have to take at least one journey inside a woman to see if everything checks out. Otherwise, you'll get married, get a taste, then wonder and regret what you missed out on trying to be the heir to AC Green. Its just like me, I had sushi for the first time on Wed. The next day I tried a different kind, and the next day after that I wanted a different kind. Not to compare a woman's privates to sushi..but um....yeah

10:35am: I cannot make this stuff up man. In this same Essence magazine, after the virgin story, my mother flipped to a story about a married couple who had participated in a threesome that had gone wrong. I kept waiting for my mother to quickly turn the page, but she refused. Earlier in the month, my grandmother had traumatized me with her sex experiences (http://rashadiscrazy.blogspot.com/2006/08/i-just-picked-my-grandmother-up-from.html) and now today my mother reads about a threesome right next to me. Clearly, God is not happy with me. I need to buy this issue of Essence though.

10:45am: My transvestite flight attendants are trying to stop a baby from crying by blowing kisses and making baby faces. The baby promptly responds by kicking up the crying and screaming a notch. Baby 1 - Flight Attendants- 0


11-4pm: These hours were spent with my mother, my brother and his fiancee. My mother shows her ass. She's nagging everyone in sight, she's bitching about the heat, about what she can do for the wedding..clearly she's in rare from. She's a threat to cry at any moment, yet this is nothing compared to the tears she'll shed at the wedding tomorrow. Sadly, the amount of blogable (not a word I know) material is clearly dwindling as the day goes on. This isn't working out the way I thought.

However on a positive note, I am slowly starting to realize that I am catching feelings for my new friend. We've been text messaging jokes, I miss yous and other pleasantries all day,and I actually miss her a lot. Outkast's Prototype is playing in my head now..this is a good feeling

8:52 pm: My brother Jamal and my boy Cliff are sitting behind me as I type this wanting me to hurry up so we can go out. Jamal is texting his fiancee(aka checking in) and Cliff is telling me to hurry the hell up so we can go out. I gots to go....

5 comments:

raydiance said...

crac-kak!!!!

blog - humorous as usual, thanks for keeping the sports references to a minimum.

Dana-Marie said...

Okay.....you DEF need help! Issues, dude....

Dana

P.S. read my blog for today on myspace. ouch....

Nina said...

Rashad, I must say this one made my morning. I laughed out loud a couple of times...

LittleTortilla stays in DC said...

We have the same two white girl crushes. That is really odd. This was funny because whenever I'm around you I wonder "What is he thinking?"

Anonymous said...

dang rashad, don't do it, don't do it . . . you're failing me again.