Monday, April 30, 2007

So it appears as if I'll get my first taste of being a single father for an extended period of time. Circumstances have come up which will allow me to have young Carlton for part of May, the month of June, and a bit of July. Knowing who I am dealing, this is all tentative, and a big part of me will believe it when I see it. But for now, i'm going through all the things that a father needs to go through. I'm looking for camps, day care, putting extra money aside, making sure my porn, Playboys and other perverted things are stowed away in a safe place and all that. My custody case is now postponed a bit, but this is actually going to help me out. I know I continue to be vague about that part of my life, but I have to. I'd hate for this blog to be used against me..That would be tragic..

Speaking of which, that happened to one of my favorite authors, Mr. John Wideman. He wrote a book entitled, "Brothers and Keepers", which was about his relationship with his brother, who came to him as he was running for the law, and eventually went to jail. Fast forward a few years later, John's son was ALSO convicted of murder, and during the trail, attorneys used the book "Brothers and Keepers" against John Wideman as evidence that this type of behavior had something to do with the family. It was devastating for Wideman, not to mention both his brother and his son are doing life sentences. So I cannot imagine my writing on any level being used for evil, let alone to imprison my son that I helped create. That is rough.

I heard another blogger say that it is dishonest to have a blog of your thoughts, and then to censor what you do and do not say, and to some degree I agree. But I have some thoughts, issues and situations that I just don't have the heart to write down and expose to everyone yet. One, I more thin skinned than I let on, and I think if I read something wrong, my temper (even though its improved) would get the best of me. Two, there are some issues swimming around in my head, that I'm just not ready to deal with myself, let alone share it with the world. And three, the longer I hold them in, the better chance there is for like a 34 page blog when I let it all out emotions and all..I had a friend tell me yesterday that my cynicism and mean spirited behavior just means that i'm hiding something that i'm not ready to deal with, and that is exactly true. My therapist will get to hear this stuff, and eventually my blog will reflect that. Not yet though.

My next article will be on how I miss Michael Jordan..I came to that decision about 5 minutes ago. I will work on it now.

i feel like i may have committed some typos in this entry. guess who doesn't care?

Money Don't Matter - Prince

4 comments:

Bashful said...

Congrats Rashad! If you want to set up a play date for the boys then you know the number.

I feel you it is a tad bit dishonest when you don't share all of yourself in a forum that is supposed to be about you and your true, honest feelings.

I often feel guilty when I write how I really feel or what I really think in a private journal instead of my blog. Though I am still working on being more open (as seen in my latest entry) it's not easy.

LittleTortilla stays in DC said...

I hate censoring myself but I have realized that everyone doesn't need to comment on everything. Also everyone doesn't need to know what is going on inside my head. It's similar to asking questions you don't want the answer to. Not everyone wants to know what I think of them. So I've tried to keep my blog on the lighter side these days.

Jo said...

Yes, "That would be tragic" if someone were to use your blog against you . . .

And your friend is right, your aggression means you have lots to deal with . . .good luck!

And yes, RM, we know you are thin-skinned . . .so am I . . .people like us just act like we aren't . . .

BTW . . .I just had a thought . . .I would love to have some of those Jerk Wings and a Margarita right now . . .

asabi said...

ultimately your blog is whatever YOU want it to be. you bless us with the ability to experience part of your journey but you are not obligated to be a monkey in a cage, here solely for our viewing pleasure and critique.