I attempted to go to work yesterday, and that lasted all of about 6 hours, and then I couldn't take it anymore so I had to leave. My co-workers were just doing their job of being concerned, but it turned into me telling the fire story over and over again, watching awkward silences, and it just made me feel sad and uncomfortable all over again. One friend of mine told me that I can't shut down like that, another friend told me that it is cathartic for me to tell the story over and over, and another said I was completely justified for leaving work. I don't know how the correct way to be right now, but I do know I had to go. I meet with the investigators and the insurance(for the building, not my stuff) people today, so I get to avoid work once again. Tomorrow will empty, so I think I will work a full, long day.

My friend Dana had the excellent idea of throwing a party in my honor, and there is a link to it in the entry right below this one. I'm not going to say too much about it right now, because it feels a bit self congratulatory at this point, but if your email address is NOT on the list, and you want to come and participate in some shape, form or fashion, just leave your email address in the comments. I would have never thought of an idea like this, let alone have the resources to pull it off solo, so I thank Dana for thinking of this.

One of my crazy dreams was me speaking at a church function. Everyone else was dressed up, and I was in a tshirt and jeans, presumably because I don't have a suit right now. The pastor, who I did NOT recognize, asked me to take the mic and say a few words about the fire and how i lost everything, before the offering was to be passed around. Instead of speaking about the fire, I used the mic to grandstand about my views on marriage and church in general. I don't remember the crowd's reaction, and I don't remember if that affected the amount given in the offering, but I remember waking up thinking to myself, that was not too bright at all. I don't know about any of you, but it is HARD admitting that you need help, and it is even harder accepting it, so perhaps that's what my dream was about.

I meet with my landlord today for the first time since Saturday, and part of me has fantasies of just going Tyson on his ass for even attempting to initially blame me for this fire. I know that's not a good way to be, given that I'm trying to accumulate good karma, but he'd best not come at me wrong today. With a few exception, i've kept my emotions in check, but i'm not THAT stable that I can't summons a healthy amount of rage for a healthy ass whipping.

This made me laugh this morning.

Darling Nikki(long version)- Prince