Monday, November 05, 2007

After spending time with my father on Saturday, I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I definitely want another child. I sat and talked to my father for over 2 hours, and during this particular conversation we started talking about various times when I messed up when I was younger. We discussed the time when I lied about getting my report card, we discussed the time when I stole a couple of Playboys from his best friend, and we briefly touched on other times when I messed up during high school. He told me that he would sometimes punish me, and then laugh behind my back(especially with that Playboy incident). He told that his philosophy was to give me as much rope as possible, which ideally would have given me many chances to come clean with the truth, but I rarely took the bait. And as I got older, he said that beating or hitting me wasn't really an option, but making me feel like I had let him down was. I would get those speeches with him saying, "You know Rashad you really let me down, or Rashad you betrayed my trust" or something to that effect. And since I looked up to my father so much, comments like that would cut much deeper than a spanking or getting hit in the chest. But now that I am 15 years removed from those lessons, it was actually kind of fun talking to the person who had administered those lessons to me. Its no different than an ex-student going to visit a college professor.

So what does that have to do with me wanting another child? Circumstances have not allowed me to have that type of relationship with my son. I never married his mother, and as a result, I don't get to see the day-to-day things that happen with him, and I really am not raising him. I give him lessons here and there, but realistically speaking, it is mother who is administering the lessons he'll retain. That situation contiunes to be beyond my control, barring some sudden change of events. So once I get married, I very much plan on having a child(hopefully a son) who both me(and my wife of course) can influence in a positive way. In some respects that can be seen as selfish, but I disagree. To me, its more a matter of continuing the lessons that my father has instilled of me. I think it would be selfish NOT to pass those on..


Sha said...

someones sensitivity chip is on..awwwww

hadassah said...

I happy for you Rashad and your father is a pretty cool dude!