I feel guilty for not going to church sometimes. My mother is a pastor, my grandparents are steeped in the church, and when I talk to these people and they slip in the "have you found a church?" question, it makes me feel momentarily guilty. Even my brother and his wife go to church more consistently than me, considering I'm older, I guess I should be example of what to do. Honestly? I know this is very selfish, but I just don't feel like going to church. I don't want to talk to other people, I don't sit through announcements, I ideally just want to hear a sermon, give some money, then be slipped out of the back door like I'm a celebrity. But if that was really how I felt, I wouldn't have this gnawing guilt on certain(not every) Sundays.

Back in 2003, I made a commitment to attend a church down the street from me, and for about 2 or 3 months I was Mr. Church. I attended bible study, I attended Sunday sermons, I fellowshipped with the people, and for a couple of months, I was that annoying friend we all have who discovers something new and won't shut the hell up about it. I must admit it felt good to be that way, and although I still wasn't living right in other aspects of my life, I felt I was definitely on the right path. Then I tried to talk to the pastor(who just a few years older than I was), and I remember the he basically blew me off, so he could talk to the long lines of women who were behind me. Now I understand that he was a single pastor and all, but still, here was his chance to reel me in , when clearly I was still on the fence about this whole church thing. But he didn't, so I was basically said, "f*&k this", and I abruptly stopped. I mean sure I'd read my bible occasionally, and I would still fast and read pertinent scriptures, but my fervor was totally gone off the one bad experience. My mistake was that I put way too much stock in the pastor, when I should have been listening to what he had to say, and then putting in my own terms.

But 5 years later, I still don't have the consistency in that area of my life the way I should, and today (after watching Joel Osteen) it bothers me a bit. I'll never be that every Sunday churchgoer, but I definitely need to find a compromise somewhere. Lord knows I have been blessed over the past year considering the health issues I've head, and the fire I survived.

I think of a version of this blog at least 3 times now, I think I'll start trying to do something about it..next Sunday of course.