Thursday, March 06, 2008

My father and I had yet another marathon conversation last night about a vast array of topics ranging from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to women who went from conservative to freaky in their freshman year of college. The latter conversation segued into a discussion about kids and daughters, and I explained to my father that I am sure m'lady and I will have a child together, and I was even MORE sure that I did not want the child to be a daughter. Of course, I have to give the company line that says a healthy child is most important, and while that is true, I will still say I want a son, not a daughter. So here are the top 10 reasons I do not want a daughter:

10) The Hair factor. When I was younger I watched my uncle have to do my cousin's hair, and it was just a nightmare man. For whatever reason, the mother wasn't around some days, and before he sent her to school, he had to pull some half-ass hair concoction out of his trick bag, and it never looked good. The kid wasn't happy, my uncle was embarrassed, it was just a hot mess. With boys, you just have to guard against that beady-my-hair-hasn't-been-brushed-in-days look, and that's easier to remedy.

9) The Mean factor. My lady, my mother, and some female friends have told me that around 12 or 13, young girls(do get weary) just up and become mean to everyone, but especially to men and boys. They haven't exactly told me what the rhyme or reason is, but I know its real, because I can remember being on the receiving end of some pretty mean stuff back in junior high and high school. As a father, I don't how I would deal with my daughter basically tuning me out and treating me like dirt, just because of some hormonal snafu. Sons just get to a point where they think they can kick your ass, and a hard fist to the chest kills all that, which brings me to my next point...

8)Spankings. If my son acts up or gets out of line, I would be totally within my right to break his ass down and hit him. The conversion chart goes like this:
0-5 year old - A firm hand to the ass Ithat just sounds ghey)
5-10 year old - a belt to the ass
10 years and older - a fist to the chest..maybe a backhand to the face

I can do these things to a boy, because they were done to me and I turned out normal. Something in me would not allow me to use that conversion chart when it came to disciplining my daughter. I know women who were excessively hit by their fathers at young ages, and they have serious regret and resentment.

7) The Sex talk. I am squeamish about having to tell my son about the joys and dangers of sex, just because I don't want the boy to get hurt and I don't want him to get too caught up in it too early. But its easier to do with a boy...why you might ask? Simple anatomy. My son(god willing) will be doing the inserting, not getting inserted into. My daughter (assuming no props are involved..again, god willing) will be getting inserted into, and there is nothing I can say, do, or think of, that will prepare her for that. I can attempt to warn her about guys, and their evil ways, but who knows if that will work. Plus the visual of a guy on my daughter is enough to make me crazy and belligerent, which leads me tooo...

6) Dating (aka the Cosby factor): The first time my daughter says she has a date with a guy, and this guy comes to my house, I will be insane. Bill Cosby(aka Cliff Huxtable) was always able to intimidate the guys who came over and attempted to date his daughters, but he did it with class. Plus it doesn't hurt that Bill Cosby is like 6'2 or 6'3, which means he was taller than most teenage guys. I'm coming in at a strong 5'9, which means my intimidation tactics have to be guerrilla like and extreme at best. I have a temper, and I wouldn't want to alienate my daughter by scaring away a dude she is really feeling. But I'll be god damned if I have to see dude after dude with lust and sex in their eyes. I can't take it man

5) The period factor. The day my daughter comes to me and says her first period is here, I will hold up a detour sign that keeps her from me, and will direct her to her mother. I want no parts of that as a 33 year old man, so why would I want to discuss this with my 11, 12, 13 year old daughter..i'm simply not equipped to have that type of speech you know? I mean sure I can do all types of research and attempt to be an expert in that field, but ultimately, a woman could comfort her much more than a father.

4) The breast factor. This is just awkward all around. No father wants her daughter running to him talking about, "Daddy what are these?". The detour sign would come back out with a quickness. Now if my son comes to me with his pants down and says, "Daddy, what is this?", I'm still a little freaked out, but at least I can quickly address that, and send him on his way.

3) The college factor. I could survive the pre-teen and teenage years with my daughter, and I can send her away to school, equipped with all the skills necessary for her to continue to be a great, young, virginal woman. And then she could get to college, and all of a sudden turn into Anna Nicole Smith, giving her goodies away like fliers. And the sad part about that is, I would have no way of knowing until I overheard her talking to her mother about something unsavory and hurtful. Then I'd be furious, yet helpless. I think this is one of those things that would hurt with my son too.

2) The switch. This will occur when my daughter is older and gets married. I know from my relationship with my dad, that as I get older, we get closer and even when I get married, that will remain the same, and I expect the same to hold true for my son. But I fear that when my daughter gets married, and maybe even before then, my daughter will look at her husband as THE man in her life(as well she should), and then my role will be lessened and diminished. I know its inevitable, but it has to be a blow to the ego on some level.

1) Four words, "Daddy I am pregnant".

Femininity - Eric Benet

9 comments:

Bashful said...

LOL! Tooo early in the morning for all this thinking. Stop over thinking it.

Daddy is a little girl's first love and girls take care of their fathers (most do).

Boy or girl you will be just fine.

Brandon aka Shortcut said...

you're really becoming a seasoned vet man... can't wait for your updated version of a Parenthood book.. lawd..
hilarious

Detour sign is SO funny, it just appears from behind your back like a road runner cartoon

I think the key for daughters is to raise em like you would a boy, let the mama worry about the femininity.. then you eventually have a tomboy that is a late bloomer, they tend to be more level headed and look at girly girls with disgust. Think about some of your female homies.. probe em and see how they started out...

Opinionated Diva said...

LMAO!

See this is EXACTLY why you're going to have a set of female triplets. My mom always wanted a boy...she had four girls before she said enough was enough ha!

Sab D said...

Dude,

Don't be scared. I got a wife, two daughters and a little girl cocker spaniel - house full of women with varying emotions and needs. But nothing ... not even you list of fears (although all legitimate) ... nothing beats the "Superhero" status of being the man of the house. Once I came to accept that I'd be going to football games to watch my daughters cheer - I was cool. What you failed to list was you don't want to experience the karma of all the things you did to / with someone else's daughter. To quote Terrance Howard in the Best Man - "karma don't come back that hard". When in doubt take Jeromy -rome's advice "to raise 'em right & take 'em to the playa's picnic."

But for real ... all girls ... and you wonder why I'm in church so much

rashad said...

Sab,
I was hoping you'd comment. you're the voice of reason on this topic. i hope your tithes are generous..haha

Bonna B said...

Heard about your site....

I dont think your over thinking it....in fact I share your sentiments. I only have one extra point to add. I think I will not beable to handle her as I cant even say no to my sister at times. How can I say no to someone with my eyes? anyway..... back to work. I FEEL YOU MAN!

maxwellsmusze said...

i agree with opinonated diva. HAHAHA! this reminds me of the scene in bad boys 2 with martin and will at the door w/that poor boy coming to take out the daughter.

i'm cracking up at dude coming to terms w/being @ football games to watch the cheering! too cute.

Jo said...

I don't think that you can ever replace a father . . .no matter what man comes into your life . . .

And girls truly are jewels . . . you may be afraid of them, but they will make your heart sing!

Good luck with the children . . . for you, I wish a beautiful, healthy baby girl with a head FULL of hair! ;o)

lex said...

aww dude come on...daughters are great!(i say this as i am one)

How did Maurice Chevalier put it? Ahh yes. I believe it was "Thank heaven for little girls"

I mean you're the dad, so there is gonna be some father daughter angst but for the most part it wont be that dramatic.

The period and sex talk stuff, please leave to mom. You needn't worry about that. Thats the only time you need to be ghost. As far as i know, my dad still doesn't know i've gotten my period and i plan to keep it that way.

b00bs? your daughter is not gonna run up to you wondering what they are. by the time she is of age to develop them she'll know already.
And please, for the love of all things sacred and wonderful, do not mention that region to her. I was wearing a wrap top a few months ago, had some cleave exposed, and my dad, the king of eloquence mentioned that he never realized how endowed i was. :-/ I decided that in the future whenever im in his presence, i will be wearing a turtleneck. Even in summer.

btw, i got spankings up until i was about 11. After that it was punishments(no phone was the worst) last time he got physical was when i was thirteen and i got a nice slap on the face for being too mouthy. :(