One of the biggest side effects of my parents' sudden divorce 15 years ago, is not being able to say goodbye to the house. From 1987-1993, I lived in that house in Potomac, Maryland, which covered the ages of 12-18 for me. I did a lot of growing up in every way, and considering my family did so much moving around the country from birth to 12, Potomac was the closest feeling I had ever had to a home city. Then one day, while I was in college, I called home to speak to my separated parents and brother who I thought were still living there, and the phone was disconnected. My brother and my dad had moved to Cleveland, and my mother had moved to another suburb of Maryland. The house had been sold, the items had been moved out, and the things that had been in my room were boxed up. Some were in Cleveland with my dad, some were in Maryland with my mother, and some were just thrown out without me being consulted.

I remember I cried and cried the day I found out that move had gone down without me, and at first I thought it was related to the fact that the divorce was finally final. After all, my family was now split in two sections, which meant split holidays, hurt feelings, plane tickets, and ultimately neglecting a parent. But in hindsight, I realize that it had a lot to do with that house too. I would have liked to pack up my room, walk through the house to create my own last minute memories, and have my own closure that nobody but would be able to understand and process.

The reason I mention all this is I've been having vivid dreams about that house. The dreams are always the same too. I am usually walking around outside the house, trying not to look like creepy person, but that's exactly what I am. I admire the improvements the new inhabitants of the house have made, and like a puppy, I longingly look in the window hoping to get in there. Eventually I ring the doorbell of my old house, and then I wake up. It ALWAYS happens like that man. I never gain entry into the house, and I suppose that is symbolic. In real life, I have thought about doing just that, but I highly doubt that I would be allowed to just parade around some one's house like that. I need to let that part of my life go completely, but its hard letting something like that when you the closure you sought just ain't happening.

I think this entry is for me, I needed to get this out. Tomorrow I'll blog about what I was supposed to speak about today, which is "The Mary J Theory" and the new Nas cd. But this dream has stayed with me for so many years, I figured I'd finally write on it.