Friday, October 24, 2008

Before I proceed with what will surely be a depressing blog entry, let me first ask you to go read my article about the Washington Wizards. Even if you don't like sports, just go read it or at least forward it someone who does like sports, specifically basketball. Thank you in advance.

Before my lady and I lost the baby, we had a ritual every Sunday. I would break out my camera phone, and she would lift up her shirt, and I would take two pictures of her stomach. I would take one from the front, and then the second would be a side profile. We started this the first week of July, and we vowed to continue this each and every week until she gave birth. I even created a folder on my laptop, and whenever I logged in, I would open the folder, look the progress she was making and smile to myself. I never had the chance to do that type of thing with my first son, so the fact that I had the chance to do it now, had me damn near giddy.

I remember after she lost the baby and we finally came home from the hospital, I had to pay the cable bill, because with all that was going on, I had completely forgotten about it. When I sat down and logged into my computer, the pictures of her stomach were up on my computer, as I had been looking at them the night before we went to the hospital. My lady, my lady's sister and I were all in the same room, and because my lady had finally gotten home from the hospital everyone was relatively upbeat. I had to hold in my tears and not cry, because things were so fragile at that point, that my outpouring of emotion would surely cause a crying chain reaction, and I did not want to be the catalyst..not then anyway. Not only did I immediately delete that folder, but I went the recycle bin and deleted it from there too, so I wouldn't be tempted to look at the folder and further depress myself.

Now, two weeks after everything went down, my emotions are a little different. Despite the upbeat nature of my blogs, and even though I am seemingly normal at work, it still hurts a great deal. I saw a pregnant woman as I entered work yesterday, and my emotions ranged from jealousy, to sadness, to just pure rage, and I had to get check myself before I walked into my office, because I surely would taken my anger out on someone who may or may not have deserved it. I don't want to be that guy..I'm neurotic enough as it is on my own without the aid of tragedy adding to it.

I guess my point here is that I miss having access to that folder of my lady's stomach. I could use the comfort of looking at them and not only remembering the happiness surrounding them, but also knowing that we can get to that point again, and actually seal the deal. I wish I had not been so emotional that day I got back from the hospital. Even as I type this I wonder if that's normal, or am I not practicing healthy behavior by wishing I had held on to that..

Funeral Dirge - Terence Blanchard


Jazzbrew said...

That is a powerful song. I talked to Terence at Blues Alley and he said it was mother scratcher to perform. The melody is slow - almost like playing long tones (which you can appreciate as a former trumpet player), then he takes a solo and THEN he has to play the melody again. There is no real break and it is very demanding. If I played that tune it would pretty much be a funeral dirge for my chops. You can put my lips right in the ground cuz I'd be done.

Deleting the photos was what you needed to do at the time so don't beat yourself about it. I think the fact that you wish you had saved the pictures instead of deleting them is a sign that your spirit is on the mend even if it hurts just as much.

rashad said...

i wonder if you were at the same show i was to see terence. he was at blues alley right around the time he released that katrina cd. that whole cd is phenomenal.

£ said...

oh rashad. *hugs*

Jazzbrew said...

You're right - he came to Blues Alley the week that CD dropped. I was really excited about that. There is a good chance that we were there the same evening.

Terence and I actually share the same birthday. He's a big Saints fan and they play my Chargers in London this weekend. I hope we beat that a$$...

Kawana Cohen-Hopkins said...

You are human, it's OK.