Friday, December 19, 2008

Well I wish I had lots of fun facts to report on from my lady's Christmas party, but unfortunately I do not. The party was wack, the people were stiff, and we left after an hour, but I was still able to salvage some details.

First of all my lady's boss, who is a lesbian, was there with her lover who looked just like Pat from Saturday Night Live.. They both shook my hand like they had just squeezed 56 oranges for Sunday brunch. But to top things off, my lady's boss had on a man's suit, and she was rocking better than I ever could. Very impressive.

Secondly, there was Greg the close talker. Greg is one of the editor's at my lady's job, and he met me, he got ALL up in my face, and stayed there until I said my name. He talked to us about the history of Bethesda, Maryland, his personal history with the company, and how he hates living in DC and commuting to Maryland. At no point was he more than 10 inches from my face, and it made me uncomfortable, yet my lady kept running her mouth like everything was all good. I later saw him in the bathroom, and I made a beeline for the stall, so he wouldn't see me and chat me up about the size of the urinals or something

Thirdly, there was this little kid at the party who dressed in this Christmas outfit, and he had red pants on. He looked to be about 7 years old, and shame on his parents for committing such an atrocity. Red pants are for strippers and hookers, not young boys in public at a party. I looked at the boy, and wanted to give him a hug and a balloon, but then I'd be the creepy man, so I just shook my head.

I did meet a couple of my lady's coworkers, and all the conversations went pretty much like this:

Them: Hi, I'm ___________
Me: Hey my name is Rashad
Them: What's going on?
Me: Nothing much man
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I work at Dept of Justice(yeah I chickened out with the janitor and writer idea. I was trying to be as quick as possible)
Them: oh that's cool
***awkward silence***

Then I'd sip my wine and slip away, and they'd follow suit. Take that convo and multiply it by 4, and that was my night. I did meet some cool folks, but its no fun if I write about them.

I also had an awkward moment with one of my lady's other black co-workers. My lady introduced us and when I shook his hand, I opted for the traditional firm handshake. But I guess this dude, knowing that we both went THE Hampton University, thought that it was ok to give me a "soul" handshake, so he started giving some complicated hand gestures that threw me off. I tried to adjust mid handshake, but at that point it was too late to salvage anything cool. I don't know if he noticed, but I'm sure he made a mental note of it, and is going to tell his wife, and maybe even my lady, that I'm lame. Next time, I'll just stick to a terrorist fist bump.

That's all for now.

Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting
One of my favorite Sting songs ever. Pay special attention to the Branford Marsalis solo at the 3:50 mark.


Janelle said...

LMAO...oh Black Larry David, any holiday gathering is straight comedy with you around!!! hahahaha

Lady's boss probably got her suit from the Ellen Degeneres collection so its a man's suit made for a woman (kinda like secret deodorant...hahahahaha)

Jazzbrew said...

Were there any white people watching when you shook hands with dude? If not, you should have KNOWN the soul man shake was required.