Friday, January 09, 2009

So I left work yesterday around 2:30 pm, in preparation for my 3:15 MRI. I was told to be there 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork, even though I had already pre-registered (what is this college?) over the phone a week earlier. When I stepped into the hospital, I had to fill out a grand total of 2 pieces of paperwork, which I was able to complete in a whopping 30 seconds. After this was filled out, I was whisked away to the radiology department, where I was made to wait in the waiting room. It was only 2:55 at this point, and I was feeling good because a)I seemed to be making good time(word to Costanza), b)It looked like I may be home early and c)The smooth sailing up to this point was a good omen, given how nervous I was.

3:15 came and went, and no one had given me any kind of update in terms of what the status of my appointment was. It was at this point that I noticed I was in the mammogram area of the hospital, and I noticed a man(who I later found was there with his wife) who was dying of boredom in the corner. He had his blackberry with him, so that was entertaining him to some degree, but clearly it wasn't enough. He was walking around, slumping in his seat, whistling songs, and I felt his pain totally. There was another woman next to me, who I overheard say that she had been waiting for 2 hours, so immediately I got angry.

Around 3:20, the nurse came up to me and explained that they were running 30-45 minutes behind, and she would appreciate my patience. She was also quick to point out that my appointment would only last 15-20 minutes, which at this point just made me angrier considering I had already been there for nearly an hour. Well it wasn't 30-45 minutes, it was damn near an hour and a half before I was sent back to the MRI machine. Here's a list of things I did in that 90 minute span

1)Play with my phone
2)Watch middle aged women flopping around in their hospital gowns
3)Listen to the receptionist bitch and moan about her day
4)talk on the phone
5)play with my phone
6)write rhymes for my next album

Anyway, when I finally got back to the MRI machine, I instantly got nervous. I looked at the machine and started trying to mentally pump myself up, but the shit wasn't working. It didn't help that it was about 10 degrees in the room, and my genitals were clinging to my body like a 5 year old does to his parents on the first day of school. Then they had the nerve to ask me to strip and put the flimsy gown on. Unlike the last time I got an MRI, when I showed up at the hospital commando, I was fully prepared with boxer briefs, and I put on the gown with the ass out, and then I was led to the machine.

Before they laid me down on the machine, I politely asked if I could have some music played while I was in there, and I told them I had my IPOD that they could use, and they shot that down. Instead, the woman said she her cd player in the MRI control room, and should could play Fantasia for me. Now, I'm not a fan of Fantasia and cgiven that she can't read anyway, I don't fear her seeing this and getting back to me. But considering the alternative was being stuck in that machine with silence, I said, "Hell yes, put Fantasia on" and they slid me back in the machine.

Even with Fantasia in my ear, it was still hell in that machine. I could barely hear the music, I had thoughts of death, friends and family, claustrophobia, my lady, shots of Patron, and most importantly sex. Plus my ears were itching, and I couldn't get my hands up to scratch them, so I started channeling my inner Tourette's hoping my facial contortions would alleviate the itch, but it didn't work, so I went back to thinking about sex. And 20 minutes later, I was done. They gave me my CD with my results on it, I shook every one's hand in that room, and I 5:45.......3 hours after I set foot in the place, which was just ridiculous, but still I am grateful.

About 2 hours later, my lady and I went out to for margaritas and drinks, and since I had fantasized about a shot of Patron while in the MRI machine, I decided to get one and my lady joined me. The following conversation happened:

*My lady and I take the shot of Patron*
Her: It's so smooth going down
*I pause, smile, look at her, then look at the camera*
Me: That's what she said

Now the humor of the moment can't possibly be captured via the blog, but it was hilarious. Although I've re-read that like 5 times now, and it still isn't funny to read. But trust me it was last night.

Sorry for the lengthy entry, but considering how laconic I've been in prior entries, I was overdue for one like this. And yes I heard the word laconic earlier today, and I was determined to fit it in here somehow.

that's what she said

I'm Going Down(remix) - Mary J Blige


tia said...

lol at writing rhymes for your next album. glad you made it through. i hope they figure out what's wrong with your back.

GemEnigma said...

man. you have truly scarred my claustrophobic azz to the point where, despite my own back problems, I will not utter a word's fear of the resulting MRI for determination. :-(

And, yes...I laughed at the restaurant moment, because I could TOTALLY see this conversation going down. Hilarious.

Janelle said...

I've learned ALWAYS take the first appointment of the day. The most you might wait is 10-15 minutes for everyone to digest their morning Starbucks. LOL

I hope this is your last MRI -ever.

Blue said...

When is your album dropping? Lol. I thought the "that's what she said" moment was hilarious. The way you wrote it, I could totally picture it.

Hopefully they can figure out a remedy for your back with the MRI results. Geez after that many hours, you should automatically be healed!