Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Dear 21 year old, pre Masters victory Tiger Woods:

Hey there buddy? How is life? You are about to play in one of the biggest tournaments in your life, and I have a strong hunch that you are going to come out victorious in record fashion. As much as your life has changed since you turned pro last year, things are going to change even more after you win this tournament. Your bank account will increase exponentially, you'll have to watch what you say during interviews, you'll get unwanted pressure from the Asian and Black communities to represent them, and your father will only be able to guide you for a limited amount of time. But I have no doubt that you will handle each and every one of those events/obstacles with great aplomb. However I have one piece of advice for you, and I sincerely hope you take this to heart:

Don't get married before age 40.

Now I know you want kids, and you want to be the great father Earl appears to have been to you, but you need to fight that emotion with all your might until 40. Sure you'll be an older father, but you'll be rich(er) so these things will even out I'm sure. But between now and age 40, you are going to be offered a high volume of poontang, snatch, etc. I know you dated black women in college, and you've tasted the white blond experience since then, but once you hit that upper stratosphere, you be offered everything, and you really don't want to be bogged down by a relationship, a marriage or a kid out of wedlock. You need to be unfettered, unencumbered, and lady free.

Your screening process has to be impeccable, and with time it will be, and you'll have to guard against pregnancies, rape charges, disease, AIDS (Happy belated AIDS day), etc, but I trust you can navigate those waters. You may even meet a woman who you really love and want to marry..perhaps at age 29, but you must fight that urge. You won't be able to resist the taste of another woman's sweet nectar, and there will be a PR rainstorm that will overwhelm you and your marriage. Playing the field as a single man never hurt anyone my friend. Ask Common, ask Derek Jeter, ask George Clooney..they've been doing God's work with the fairer sex, and their reputations are intact and borderline pristine.

So anyway, I've rambled long enough. Take my advice, and you'll be so golden. Failure to do so will get you jacked up with facial lacerations and a busted SUV..or something like that.

Your friend


* I sent this letter back in March of came three days letter saying, "Return to Sender"



Sab D said...

As you would say ... "golden"

maxwellsmusze said...

oh future Tiger, there is so much I want to warn you about! HAHAHA! Great one!