Last night while I was out, I reconnected with Mark, a friend of mine who I consider to be one of my first mentors after my father. I met him back in '95, when I was working as a teacher/counselor at George Mason University. There was a summer program for high school students whose grades were not quite good enough to get into college, so in order to gain admission, they had to pass the summer course. It was my job to assist the professor, and sometimes teach during the day, and at night I played the RA role to the young men on my floor. Mark hired me to work this job, and he never missed an opportunity to recommend a book, an exhibit, or a new cd I needed to hear. I was only 19 at the time, so I would have bouts of self-doubt about who I was in the world, and what I wanted to do, and Mark was a good person to vent to about such things. And how did I repay Mark for the good work he did for me as a person? I slept with one of the female students I was teaching(she was 18, I was 19 in my weak defense) and he had to fire me. He said it was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, and I remember having that feeling that I let my father down. He never said anything about that incident, he just said, you know what you did, and I have to let you go. Because my mother also taught at George Mason, I had to hear an earful from her too, except she DID yell, and it was not a good time for me. I had to write an apology to everyone and justifiably so. I hadn't seen Mark since then, so it was definitely good to see him last night. He said he had some work for me, and to give him a call, and when I joked about him firing me, he joked right back about it, so all is well with the world.

I've started wearing cologne to work now, because I am paranoid about smelling like smoke. I don't even have on anything that was in the house, but every now and then I feel like I smell or smell like smoke, so I bought some cologne to rescue me from my own paranoia. You think I'm crazy? see the url.

Scenario(remix) - Tribe Called Quest

I have to meet with my landlord again this morning, and i do NOT like the way he was talking to me yesterday at all. He was asking me stupid questions like if I burned candles, if I was a smoker, and how often I used my record player, as if ANY of those things might have contributed to the fire in any shape, form or fashion. I was look like man..I WAS NOT HOME. There were no mood candles, no smokefests, and no seductive tunes jumping off in my absence. He also said the investigators are asking my neighbors about my behaviors and all that, and I just shook my head. My neighbors engage in some shady habits while in their apt, and i'm being questioned like crazy. I understand everyone is allegedly doing their job, and I hope that this process helps to determine what happened and all that jazz. But it is insulting on some level to be having these conversations with people who go home to all of their belongings, while I have little to nothing. I have a feeling this is going to get messy, and once again I will need an attorney.first for custody, now for this. And yes, the moratorium on me bitching and moaning only lasted one day. I'm operating on 2 hours sleep, and I am hella cranky this morning.

I watched that entire Pistons/Cavs game last night, and every time Cleveland would hit a big basket or stymie a Pistons run, I would literally want to throw something at the television screen. I can't even target my hate towards Lebron this time, because there were an entire cast of characters contributing to my angst. Daniel Gibson was playing like the ghost of BJ Armstrong had jumped into him. Drew Gooden was hitting shots everywhere, and of course Lebron was doing his normal routine of hitting big shots in a timely fashion. But I will target the brunt of my hate towards Chauncey Billups who is known as Mr. Big Shot. My Big shot has been choking ALL series, and last night was no exception. Yes he shot a bit better, but he had crucial turnovers, he took dumb shots, he committed dumb fouls and for a veteran to make those types of plays in unacceptable man. He's a free agent after this year, and the amount of money he is going to be able to demand dwindles every time he steps out on the court. If Cleveland wins this series, it will be Chauncey's fault, and if I ever see him out on the street, I will tell him as much.

i shall return after meeting with the landlord....

Yes Sir - Redman
This song may offend some people, but i'm in that kind of mood today, so give me pass please

Well I'm back at work today, for my first "full" week in 2 weeks. I think the statute of limitations has run out on needing time away from work and to myself, and at this point, I just have to carry any residual feelings about this situation with me. In other words, I am out of leave and I can't afford to take another day off at all. Plus, judging from what I see on my desk, in my mailbox, and in my emails, I have plenty to do this week, so why not hop to it.

My son gets back in the Hampton area starting tomorrow, and even though I have little stability right now, I'm going to make a conscious effort to go see him every weekend, until I have a place for him to stay up here. It was weird telling him what happened to me, because in true kid fashion, he was pretty indifferent to my situation, and I liked that. I can't explain why, but I liked it. He didn't ask if I was ok, no drama, just a simple, yeah mommy told me. Knowing Carlton though, he'll have a million and one questions to ask when he sees me.

That's all I really have right now, I wrote a lot this weekend, so read that. I have too much work to do to be blogging a novel this morning. Oh, if you get a chance, PLEASE watch the Pistons/Cavs game tonight. Its a damn good series, and when I dedicate a paragraph or two to slamming and hating on Lebron James, it is important you have a frame of reference.

Secret Rendezvous - Zhane

My boy Cliff called me a short time ago, and asked me if i had ever considered joining the military and I told him hell no. He admitted that he had thought about it, but it was never anything he had actively pursued. Cliff and I grew up in an era where the military really wasn't talked about a whole hell of a lot. Yeah the Gulf War was going on, but it was thought to be a quick war, and the idea of high school and college teens joining the armed forces wasn't stressed and harped upon the way it has been since this war in Iraq began in '03. If I got drafted I'd definitely fight, I wouldn't try to run or dodge the war or anything, but if given a choice, I'd opt not to fight. I don't have that overwhelming urge to combat the troops for fight terror on the front lines, and Cliff and I were discussing if as men, that makes us less masculine or inferior to those men who fight and die in the name of this country. Judging by our conversation, there is no right or wrong answer, but it is definitely fitting that we were having this discussion on Memorial Day.

the issue of what a man is or is not, is a very interesting one. I thought about this today while attempting to re-spark the fire in the grill at my mother's house. I was about to put more coals in the fire, and my friend suggested that I just move the coals around to generate more heat and I did so. I didn't feel bad at all about not knowing and I joked around with her that clearly I wasn't a grilling expert and she laughed and said clearly. Does that mean I'm less than a man? One ex of mine thought so, and she gave me a hard time with this before. But a woman telling me what the proper characteristics of manhood are, is always problematic to me, so it never really bothered me. A woman certainly has a right to voice what she wants in HER man, and as a man I have the right to say eff you and leave, or I can say baby I can work on it. I hope my attempt to differentiate between the two was successful. I don't have a distinct point right now, I'm just sharing my thoughts and the day's conversations. Perhaps it'll spark dialogue in your neck of the woods.

By the way, I did end up making some magical turkey burgers on the grill..and all type of thoughts went thru my head, from my apt fire, to some inappropriate fire jokes..I think i'm getting more comfortable with this situation mentally.

For one night, Lebron James became a man last night in basketball terms. He didn't bite his nails incessantly, he didn't settle for mid range jumpers in the lane, and he didn't run around like Rasheed Wallace flailing his arms around when he didn't get a call. He played with distinct purpose last night, and it showed in his every move. He had what I like to call, an MJ game. He set the tone on both ends of the floor, he encouraged his teammates by getting them decent open looks, and at one point, he even borrowed MJ's baseline move. But to quote the great Harvey Keitel in the movie Pulp Fiction, "let's not start sucking each other's d*cks just yet". Lebron did this for ONE game, and he can ask Kevin Garnett, Tracy McGrady and Dominique Wilkins just to name a few, how it feels to have one or two big games in a series, only to go home a loser in the end. What Lebron proved last night is that he's a big time player who can come thru for his team when their collective backs are against the proverbial wall. But what will take Lebron to the elite stratosphere that MJ, Larry, Magic and even Tim Duncan have lived in, is if he does this from now until he lifts the Larry O'Brien Championship Trophy. Lebron used to have this Nike commercial in which the narrator said that when it comes to Lebron James' greatness, We Are All Witnesses, so I think its high time for Lebron to consistently give us something to witness.

Except for 10 minute trip to get my mail from my old apt, I really didn't leave my house yesterday. I stayed in and looked for new jobs, looked for apts, slept, watched baseball games, watched basketball, played on the internets, talked on the phone, and mostly just thought about what has happened the past week, and what will happen in the coming weeks as well. It was one of those days that I have been avoiding like the plague since I was displaced. I really didn't want to sit alone, because I thought I would drive myself crazy with my own thoughts, but it really wasn't all that bad. And even though I got sad when I looked at those pictures(see the previous entry) it really didn't linger too long, which was a relief. I'm less pitiful than I gave myself credit for. Always a good thing.


And now, I will end this entry, by reposting a song I already posted earlier this month. But because I play this song every damn day, I thought I would give it the "Marvin Gaye's I Want You" treatment and break down my favorite part of the song. The song is called That Girl and it features Pharrell, Snoop, Charlie Wilson and it is remixed by Questlove of the Roots. My favorite part occurs at the 3:20 minute mark of the song. Up until that point, Charlie Wilson(of Gap Band fame for those R&B challenged folk) and Pharrell have been playing their roles. Charlie sings background, and Pharrell is on lead vocals. But at the 3:20 mark, they BOTH sing the chorus..Pharrell takes the lower register, and Charlie goes high and it meshes perfectly..oh but that's not at my music maniacs..all while this is going on, the bass player is going off, and switching up what has been a pretty steady bass line throughout the song. So from the 3:20 mark up until the 3:34 mark of the song you can hear all of this interplay going on. And as usual the feeling is enhanced when wearing headphones. Now if you hear that, and you aren't impressed, then you can jump ahead to the 4 minute mark of the song, when the beat slows down completely, and it sounds like a different song. That's obvious part of the song though, I prefer the subtleties.

That Girl

I have about 14 pics of my post-fire apartment, but this is the only one i'm going to post and show. This is the near where the fire started, as you may or may not be able to see in the corner of the pic. when i first walked in my apt last week, and i saw this, it looked like my records and books were intact, and I was a little encouraged, but a closer inspections shows that they are damaged. I can identify all the titles and replace them eventually, so there is a silver lining. Yes this is depressing and a bit therapeutic all at the same time..I'm not about to fall into a deep abyss of depression right now, but i thought i'd share at least one pic.

I have been called homophobic before, and to some degree I may very well be one. It used to be I would see gay couples, and say to myself, whatever works for them, but I really didn't have an opinion either way. I had the attitude of a parent, whose child brings home a girl/boy friend who they don't agree with: I don't care for who you picked, but if that's what you want then fine. But then, some time in my mid 20s, I started getting hit on by men, and then I started getting angry. There are some people who said I should be flattered, but I never quite saw it that way. Some of the men would be very very bold, even after I made it clear that I didn't have the ghey. Now, right or wrong, I am very defensive and on edge when I see SOME gay men. For example, yesterday, my friend Michell and I went to go shopping at Pentagon City, and there were gay men everywhere. I felt myself get a bit annoyed, although it helped that I was with a woman. I know this is a touchy subject, and the chances of offending someone when talking about this are great, but it helps to be honest I guess. Still, I didn't like how angry I got yesterday, so I need to check that.

I went to an interesting cookout last night...First off, it was clear that everyone there knew each other, and they really didn't take a shine to my friend Raydiance and I showing up. Raydiance and I knew one of the roommates who lived there, but the rest of the roommates, while a bit friendly, were a bit standoffish as were the rest of their friends. I felt a bit uncomfortable from the jump, and as a result, I didn't eat, I didn't sit down, and I didnt speak to anyone except Raydiance and Nekia(the woman we know). At some point, I felt like my rudeness was clearly evident, but hey in that situation its all about self preservation baby. Raydiance, not understand the rules of trying to execute an early exit, sat down, had a plate of food, and ventured out to talk with other people, which extended our attendance at this cookout by like 25 minutes. I got on the phone, I tried to molest the dog that was running around, but nothing could mask my frustration with being there. Adding to the comic relief was the DJ, who was mingling in the crowd talking about how he was taking requests. I kept thinking to myself, man you are the effing DJ. It is YOUR job to read and move the crowd, not take requests like this is KISS-FM. We finally left after about 35-40 minutes, and I want that time restored back to me. I still love you though Nekia..By the way, later on that night, I saw a woman walking in front of me, who with TWO hands, removed her underwear from her ass. Now i've seen this maneuver done with one hand while walking, and i've seen it down with two hands while standing, but to see it with two hands whilst walking? that is unprecedented, and I wanted to shake her dirty hand, but for obvious reasons I didn't.

And finally, I am going to discuss this UFC/MMA phenomenon. I was in a bar last night, and people in there were going crazy at the sight of two men fighting, and to me, it was boring. Boxing isn't called the sweet science for nothing. Two men, have to use their hands, and their bodies to hit and not got hit. When done correctly, it is a beautiful thing(see Ali-Frazier I). But this UFC fighting is not as graceful. The men seem uncoordinated, the punching and kicking is wildly inaccurate, and at one point the men were just laying on top of each other, and I couldn't get with it. I'm sure it appeals to the inner barbarian in us all just fighting to get out, but I don't like. Give me boxing anyday.

Oh, and my ex is getting on my FUCKING nerves. Sorry Ryan, I said I wouldnt curse as much, but this was warranted. If its of any consolation, i've been praying like a priest in a crisis recently. Just wanted to vent for a sentence.

Supa Love - Guru featuring Kelis

Thanks to my uncle, I was able to spend the night in a hotel last night. I don't care what the situation is, there is nothing like staying in a hotel. The fluffy pillows, the room service, hearing folks have sex, having sex yourself, and of course the "movie" channels. All for a good family rate of $49. Oh yeah and they free have continental breakfast too...

I am in the process of reinventing my wardrobe, which means I have been out of several dressing rooms over the past few days. I have a distinct disdain for the whole dressing room experience. I live in constant fear that the woman who assigned me the "stall" is going to barge in on me while my pants are around my ankles, which is never a good look. Then for some reason, nothing seems to fit right in the dressing room, but I buy it anyway hopefully it will magically morph into the right size later. And on top of that, the mirrors are never normal sized. I always have to contort my body in a special way, just to see all of my body parts in the prospective clothes. This is another situation where i would love to hire a gay man(they seem to have the fashion game down to a science), get him to send an attractive woman to measure me, and then together they could go shopping for me. That would officially make me a diva.

I had my first "I had a fire in my apt" moment yesterday..There was this woman following me around the stores as I was looking for clothes, and she just happened to be stunningly attractive. She said she was shopping for her husband, but every time I turned around, she was right there next to me. At one point she asked me why I had so many items in my hand, and I said to her, I just had a fire in my apt, and immediately her face dropped and she gave me a hug on the spot. Beautiful breasts that initially I had to sneak to look at, were now pressed against my chest all warm and full. I'm not making light of my situation, but dammit humor(and cheap, easy breasts feels) are good ways to cope.

Love for Free - Rell featuring Jay-Z

A friend of mine was nice enough to give me an Ambien last night to assist me my sleepless nights. Well the ambien worked, but it worked too well, because it is now 10:30, and I STILL feel incredibly sluggish and slow. I don't want to get addicted to those things, so i think that'll be my first and last experience them...hopefully. But you're a star anyway Renita!!!

Yesterday was an overall decent day. I hung out with Renita, the ambien dealer, I hung with my friend Michell who was in town from chicago, and I spent more planning my life in the next couple of months. The only bad part about the day, was that my landlord did show up and the apt yesterday. The insurance company showed up, I let them in the house, and I answered basic questions about the apt and my belongings in it But I needed the Landlord to be there, so I can discuss things with him, and he's allegedly still out of town. This part of the fire situation is getting more and more annoying. Sometime during the long weekend if not sooner, we are need to have a chat. I would hate to have to send his old ass to the Upper Rooooom.

The weekend looks pretty promising. I plan to eat BBQ, buy more clothes for week 2, watch plenty of basketball, and continue working on a master plan to get happy again. I looked twice at a couple of women while I was out yesterday, so perhaps a little my swagger is starting to come back. I also caught a bit of that Cavs/Pistons game, and I cannot believe Cleveland lost again. Detroit looks old, disinterested and anything else you can think of for 46 minutes, and then the last 2 they steal the game. This has to be completely demoralizing for Cleveland. If you need more proof that Lebron James is not Jordan, then just watch the games. Jordan would come out, get his teammates involved, and STILL drop 40 to 50 points. I had when folks are compared to Jordan, because they don't realize how truly dominant he was in wins or losses. Plus Jordan's commercials are better.

Until later..

Different Times - Raphael Saadiq featuring T-Boz

I attempted to go to work yesterday, and that lasted all of about 6 hours, and then I couldn't take it anymore so I had to leave. My co-workers were just doing their job of being concerned, but it turned into me telling the fire story over and over again, watching awkward silences, and it just made me feel sad and uncomfortable all over again. One friend of mine told me that I can't shut down like that, another friend told me that it is cathartic for me to tell the story over and over, and another said I was completely justified for leaving work. I don't know how the correct way to be right now, but I do know I had to go. I meet with the investigators and the insurance(for the building, not my stuff) people today, so I get to avoid work once again. Tomorrow will empty, so I think I will work a full, long day.

My friend Dana had the excellent idea of throwing a party in my honor, and there is a link to it in the entry right below this one. I'm not going to say too much about it right now, because it feels a bit self congratulatory at this point, but if your email address is NOT on the list, and you want to come and participate in some shape, form or fashion, just leave your email address in the comments. I would have never thought of an idea like this, let alone have the resources to pull it off solo, so I thank Dana for thinking of this.

One of my crazy dreams was me speaking at a church function. Everyone else was dressed up, and I was in a tshirt and jeans, presumably because I don't have a suit right now. The pastor, who I did NOT recognize, asked me to take the mic and say a few words about the fire and how i lost everything, before the offering was to be passed around. Instead of speaking about the fire, I used the mic to grandstand about my views on marriage and church in general. I don't remember the crowd's reaction, and I don't remember if that affected the amount given in the offering, but I remember waking up thinking to myself, that was not too bright at all. I don't know about any of you, but it is HARD admitting that you need help, and it is even harder accepting it, so perhaps that's what my dream was about.

I meet with my landlord today for the first time since Saturday, and part of me has fantasies of just going Tyson on his ass for even attempting to initially blame me for this fire. I know that's not a good way to be, given that I'm trying to accumulate good karma, but he'd best not come at me wrong today. With a few exception, i've kept my emotions in check, but i'm not THAT stable that I can't summons a healthy amount of rage for a healthy ass whipping.

This made me laugh this morning.

Darling Nikki(long version)- Prince

Thank you to Dana-Marie for setting this up for me. I REALLY appreciate this.

I remember when I was trying to determine the whereabouts of my son, and I blogged about my every emotion and feeling, I was getting on some people's nerves because that's all I wrote about. Eventually I snapped out of it, and wrote about other things. With this current fire situation, it won't be quite as easy to do, because it affects most of my life. So if you're sick of reading about it, or you think I should just get over it already, then perhaps parts of this blog aren't for you. That's my mini-disclaimer.

Yesterday was mentally difficult. I had to leave my friend I had been staying with for a few days, and I felt guilty about that. She said I could stay there with her for as long as I wanted, but I really did need to be solo just to think about things. It's hard to do when you're in the house with someone else. Its also difficult telling the story over and over again of how your apt. burned, because I really am not over it. There are times when I get upset telling the story, and I feel like crying(sorry fellas) At one point last night, while talking to my ex about this situation, I really did break down for about 10 minutes, so hopefully that part is out of my system. Its difficult telling people to send money when they ask how can they help, and then there's awkwardness when doing that with people you don't really know. Then I am paranoid about the sincerity of my thank yous, especially from folks who think i'm on smartass mode all the time. All these thoughts go through my mind constantly, meanwhile, getting to sleep is torture. I hear sirens/firetrucks and instantly I go to the window, and I'm having all kinds of dreams about being chased, being shot, etc. I see how folks who go through something difficult turn to drugs and alcohol, just to rid their mind of these thoughts and to get some peaceful sleep. I fought the urge to go that route, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. And yes I am venting excessively right now, this blog is my outlet and right now I truly need it.

The good things...I moved what I have left of my belongings into Nina's place, and that'll be my home for the next few weeks, so that is of some comfort. My uncles are going to further assist me in the clothes department, and some of my co-workers are going to assist me with various things from money to a charger for my laptop, so that's helpful. I can't stress it enough, I never realized how good my friends(I knew it about family)were until this. They have REALLY helped out and I owe them big time. End of the fire talk.

I missed the revealing of the NBA Draft Order last night, so before I went to bed I turned on ESPN, and I was shocked to see that Portland and Seattle would be picking one and two respectively. I know my favorite writer, Bill Simmons and other Boston Celtics fans are devastated right about now. They allegedly lost games on purpose just so they could put themselves in position for those first two draft picks, and now they are forced to pick fifth. They will still get a great player, just not of the caliber of Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. I can't wait to read more reactions from Celtics fans.

My barbershop trip yesterday was hilarious, and the best part of my day. Because I came in there around 1130am my barber joked that I must have gotten laid off. When I told him what happened to me, he asked was I alright and if I needed anything, and that sympathy talk lasted all of about 10 seconds. After that he told me I would get no sorrow from him, and my haircuts were STILL going to be $20, and the ongoing bet we had on the NBA Playoffs was STILL on. He actually said some other things, but they can't be written on this here family blog.

By the way, I mentioned this earlier, but I'm going set up registries at some stores for those of you who want to help. And if you don't want to, PLEASE don't feel guilty or bad. I know how it is to want to help, but you really aren't in a position or you just DON'T want to help. I don't begrudge those folks at all.

Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix

I must admit I have sat down to write something everyday since I initially posted about the fire, and I didn't really have it in me. My friends and family have really come through for me over the past few days, and it makes it a little easier at times to deal. But there are times when I'm by myself, that it really gets tough and I get frustrated. To be starting over with EVERYTHING the way I am right now is just completely demoralizing. But for once, I'll focus on what I DO have. The only cd of mine that survived? Marvin Gaye's I Want You..My laptop made it, my tv made it(I think) and the food in my refrigerator survived, and that is pretty much it. I have enough clothes to return to work tomorrow. My friend Nina is going to be out of the area for about a month, so she was volunteered her place until she comes back, so that is enough to make me smile. My friend Jo came down to offer her moral support, my friend Genae has let me stay at her house since I initially found out. Ok enough of the shoutouts, the point is people have helped, and i'm grateful.

The other side of this tragedy is taking time to think about it why this happened, what am I supposed to learn, and what am I supposed to do differently. I am well aware that I haven't always been the best friend, boyfriend and person to a lot of different people. I am also well aware that my friend who I was talking to at the start of this year, told me that the karma for my shady behavior would come back on me strong, and I also know that I have contemplated leaving this area, well before the fire. So when you add all of those things together, you have a recipe for change, so that's what I plan on doing. Less focus on women, dating, and other superfluous things right, but I need to focus on getting my life together, writing, and figuring out a plan. For sanity's sake, I am going to ditch the self help and pity talk for now. I just wanted to get a few disjointed thoughts out on paper. Other observations:

-On Saturday night, I learned the TRUE meaning of the expression "drink away the pain"

-if ever there were a sign that i need to keep writing it is the survival of my laptop

-There was this episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry, the main character, had his mom pass away unexpectedly. This caused him to have to cancel a dinner with one of his friends, and after using the "I really can't...my mom passed away" he decided to abuse this line to get out of everything he didn't want to do over the next two weeks. He even tried this line on his wife, in an effort to get some pity sex and it worked. Now i'm turning over a new leaf, so I wouldn't do that now. But that thought crossed my mind.

-The Pistons looked old last night and Cleveland is going to win that series. Lebron is going to make it to the NBA Finals, and a superstar will be born. That game was pretty ugly last night and even though Detroit pulled it out, the Cleveland Cavs should have supreme confidence going into game 2. Lebron played bad, and they still almost pulled it out.

-Tonight is the draft lottery, and one lucky team will know if they can draft Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. I think both of them should have stayed in school, but they didn't, so now I am wishing them luck when they realize tonight that they are going to crappy teams. Welcome to the NBA.

That is all for now. I'm going to make an effort to keep writing everyday now, after that short break.

Tupac Shakur has a song called Against All Odds, and he starts off by saying, that the song he's getting ready to perform is the "realest shit he ever wrote", and this blog entry may very well be that same thing for me. My apartment caught fire last night without me in it, and I lost damn near eveything. My clothes are ruined, files and papers are gone, dishes damaged beyond repair, records, cds, music gone, furniture damaged..everything. The only things to survive? My dresser, my tv and my laptop and shoes. I am still in shock about this, and the reality of it hasn't really hit me yet. The wild part is, I didn't even go home last night. I spent the night at a friend's house, and I had just planned to go home in the morning except there was no home to go to. So now I am starting over. I have to get a whole new wardrobe, new furnitre, new place to live, new dishes, I mean every damn thing, and its one of those most helpless feelings one can have. So, if you can help me out at all, just call or email, and if you don't want to do jack, that's fine too, just call me with some encouragement. I'm trying to find pockes of humor in this, but there isn't any to be had right now. I'll try to be diligent about blogging, because it does help to get the emotion out, but considering what else is on my plate who knows if I'll be able to maintain it. That's all for now.

You ever have a really evil thought flash into your head? You don't ever plan on acting on it, but it crosses you mind in great detail, and then you quietly let it slip out of your mind. I had such a thought about 10 minutes ago as I walked across the street. I saw a young couple at a red light kissing passionately, while taking momentarily breaks to see of the light turned green. While I was walking past them, I thought of opening the door on the driver's side, dragging them out and taking their car, then driving up a bit while the back wheels left tire prints on both of their chests. Then I'd get out of the car, take the keys out, and throw them in between the couple. Now that whole thought process went through my mind in about 20 seconds and then I kept it moving. Normally I would keep that to myself, but what good is a blog if you can't share demented gems like that?

So tomorrow I am participating in a walk for cervical cancer, and I have mixed feelings about it to be perfectly honest. When this was brought to me, I jumped on the chance to help out since my ex(who was my girlfriend at the time) had been diagnosed with that form of cancer as well. I thought this would be useful cause to lend my assistance to. I didn't volunteer to walk though, I chose to be one of those people who makes sure the walkers are staying on course, and occasionally I'll provide encouragement. The thing that has me hesitant about this(besides waking up at 6:30 am on a Saturday) is how to conduct myself at an event like this. I participated in a breast cancer run before, and the mood was weird. There were people who were happy as cancer survivors, there were people who had lost loved ones to the disease, who would randomly burst into tears, and then there folks who were just walking with contemplative looks..relatively emotionless. My emotions were all over the place watching them, since I didn't fall under any of those categories, and it ended up being a very somber experience. As I type this I realize that can be interpreted as selfish, but it really was not. It was just a new experience for me. So this go round, I DO have someone I know who has beat the disease(for the most part), but I will be upbeat and happy. I just hope I don't happen to offend anyone who is one of those somber moods. Or perhaps I'm pulling a typical Rashad and over thinking. Either way, it'll make for an interesting blog tomorrow.

In fact, if I get off my ass and do all the things I was invited to do this weekend, there should be lots of things to write about..how's that for a teaser?

Tell Me Something Good - Rufus featuring Chaka Khan
This song makes me think of having sex in hot ass room with no air conditioning and no fan.

Talk about confusing. As I walked in my building, I saw a young woman with a short sundress on walking with a cane as her cleavage and breasts spilled out of the top. I wanted to look away, but I just could not, and neither could the few guys around me. If I had a camera phone, I'd take the picture and put it up here.

One of the more frustrating things to do in life, is to make people appreciate things with the same amount of passion as you do. Ideally you really shouldn't force feed concepts, ideas, people or anything down someone else's throat(or anywhere else), because it really is selfish. But every now and then you come across something you think is great, and immediately you want to share it with someone, but you never really get that fulfillment you seek. The person you share this passionate information with may not really care, they may not see what you can see(you're blind baby), or maybe they see why you liked something, but their reaction just isn't the isn't what you were hoping for. This happens on a daily basis with me, whether it be that I Want You blog blog I wrote a couple of weeks back, an article I read that I try to share, or with those songs I put on the bottom of most blogs I write. Its like you want someone to see these things, then call you up and say oh snap, I saw that article/song, and I liked a, b and c. Again is it fair? On some level no, but that doesn't stop me from chasing this reaction. Its no different than sharing an inside joke with one of your friends, and then attempting to take that joke mainstream by sharing with another group of friends. Somewhere along the line the humor gets lost in translation, and instead of trying to make everyone think its funny, you probably should just cherish the inside joke you have with that one person. I'm starting to lose steam with this point, but I hope the main idea shines through at this point.

And now for the latest in my social anxiety disorder. On Saturday, I have been cordially invited to a birthday dinner/party. The first part of the evening is a sit down dinner and then it spills over into a party at a lounge. The lounge portion of the evening intrigues me, because I can sip drinks, watch the TVs, and dart and dash in and out of any conversation I damn well please. The dinner portion of the evening terrifies me. I know exactly 2 people who are going to be at this party, and one of them is the birthday girl, so that doesn't count. So I'll be seated near folks I don't know, and forced to come up with some small talk. When I share this with some of my friends, they feed me that line, "Oh Rashad that's part of being adult", and those people can kiss my black ass two times. I realize its a necessary evil, but I hate it, and I almost want to write down a list of topics I AM comfortable with, so I can lead and dictate the conversation. Because if we start talking about Imus, or the state of hip-hop, or how Bush sucks, or even American Idol, I think i'm going to flip the table, and start screaming wake up like this is the end of School Daze. This is why I cancel on so many public events at the last minute, because I start sizing up the small talk possibilities and it drives me crazy. As my boy Kevin says, I probably need to grow up a bit...doubt it though.

Tamborine - Prince

I reached out to a friend of mine yesterday, who I really haven't spoken to in over 3 and a half years. We've traded brief emails, and even yesterday when I say i reached out, I just sent yet another email, but it was nice to even do that. We were good friends all through college and we got even closer upon graduation. It was never anything sexual, and there wasn't even any flirtation between us, it was just good clean friendship. We met in college, when I found out the names of her two brothers were Rashad and Jamaal(my brother's name is Jamal), we were instant friends. I think I had a crush on her for the first few months of our friendship, and then that subsided. She never really got along with my girlfriends, but that had more to do with her anti-social personality(which is why we got along great) as opposed to her being jealous or envious. I had 2 girlfriends in particular tell me that she liked me, but I would quickly diffuse that. Well during thesummer of '99, we decided to hook up and try to get together, and that summer it worked out beautifully..and then I messed it up by doing some typical Rashad stuff... We stopped speaking for about a month, and then we were right back on the best friends track..no ill effects at all. Then in '04 we had one of those, what did we do wrong before, we can do it right this time discussions, and we ALMOST reconciled. But before we did she made me promise that none of my past women would interfere with us..and that's the very thing that happened, and she stopped speaking to me. And to this day, I still haven't heard her voice. But like I said when i started this long paragraph, yesterday's email conversation gave me hope that we can start a friendship once again, because we had our most fun when there was no relationship at stake..just good clean fun. So what's the lesson here kids? Don't have sex with your GOOD friends of the opposite sex..of course there are exceptions, but who wants to get into all of that right now.

Today at lunchtime my job is having a chili cook off, and everyone is required to attend. And just in case anyone had their mind set on blowing off the event(that would be me)they tried to say that we will have a department staff meeting first, and then the chili session and I don't believe that for one minute. It's all a a ploy to lure anti social individuals like me into a social trap. I have to watch people juggle hot chili in their mouths while trying to start b.s. conversations. White men come up to me and ask me if I saw the game last night, black men come up to me and ask me if I see the thong of the girl bending over, white women come up to me ask me my name for the 25th time, and black women get in my face gossiping about the black man staring at the thong. Its a vicious cycle, and what I really feel like doing is dipping my hand in the chili, and gently smearing across their face. But since I value my job, I will do the vintage Rashad move, which is to get there early, make a small plate, dilly dally around a bit, and then come back to my desk while the crowd is still thick. This way everybody wins. I understand that it is good for morale when people party as hard as they work together, but during work hours it is not a good move. Productivity drops after these events, and it gives everyone a false sense of friendship, and who needs that. Happy hours are way more effective in my opinion..there's no obligation to attend, there are other people to look at besides co-workers, and for people like me, there are TVs to distract me from the eventual drop off in conversation, so I end up looking more social than I am. My department heads should look into this for the next "event"

When is a rule a rule, and when is it open for interpretation? The NBA has a rule that says during a fight, no player on the bench can set foot on the court. During Monday night's Phoenix/San Antonio game, a fracas broke out and two bench players went on the court for about 5 seconds, then they were dragged off by their assistant coaches, but they did NOT get involved in the fight. The NBA, stating a rule is a rule, suspended the Phoenix players, one of whom happens to be their second best player, Amare Stoudemire. Robert Horry, the San Antonio player who started the fight was also suspended, but he's like the 5th best player on that team, so his suspension is basically irrelevant. This is going to affect the series in a big way, and its all because of a rule that was "broken". The rule was designed to keep folks on the bench from jumping into on-the-court fights and making a bad situation worse. These two Phoenix players didn't make a bad situation worse, and they were dragged off the court by their asst. coaches before that could happen. Its like running a red light, catching yourself mid intersection, then backing up..you will still get your picture taken by the security camera, but you righted your wrong, so you should get a pass. I think the NBA needs to lighten up.

Who Got Da Props - Black Moon

I stayed home from work yesterday because I didn't feel too well, and I'll spare you the gory details. I feel much better today, but I'm still at home because my groceries just got delivered, and that is what i'm going to bitch and moan about right now. Let's toss aside the discussioin of how stuck up of me it is to get my groceries delivered, because I've been doing it for 4 years, and I'm way past the point of caring. It is convenient for me, since I absolutely hate the grocery store. you spend as much time in the line as you do searching for groceries, and I don't like that at all. Anyway, when you set up your appointment for grocery delivery, they give you a 2 hour window which today was 6am-8am for me. I have missed that two hour window before, because I was late for work, and they told me I had to reschedule my delivery because I was 20 minutes late which made me angry, but those were the "rules". So today, I wake up at 6am, and kind of listen out for the door, since I do NOT want to miss my delivery. Lo and behold, at 8am, I get a call from the grocery gods saying that he is running 30 minutes late..but it isn't a real person, it is a recording..that is Strike 1. Then the dude finally delivers my groceries 30 minutes late, and instead of bringing into my house, like they are SUPPOSED to do, he leaves them on the step..Strike 2. But oh it doesnt stop there, he drops them on the steps and a bit too hard for my taste, hands me the bill, and then says let me go get your water. There is no apology for being late(Strike 3), no kind finesse, and no customer service. I mean seriously, people and businesses who go to great lengths to tell you the penalties and consequences of wasting THEIR time need to have the same respect. I should have gotten a coupon, a discount for next time, some head, or SOMETHING to acknowledge their faux pas. Instead, they get a paragraph long semi-endorsment from me.

I'm going to write a letter and complain. I WILL get my justice, my coupon, my 40 acres and maybe even a mule to boot.

That Girl- Pharrell, Snoop, Charlie Wilson and Questlove

I am not at all an arrogant person, although I have been accused of it numerous times in my adult life. Most of the times, it is by women I used to be involved with, who are on their way out the door anyway. But other than that, rarely do people equate arrogance with Rashad(yes the third person is making an appearance). Today, I choose to be arrogant for a little bit, so please forgive me. I may or may not have mentioned that I met this woman about a month ago, who allegedly was a published writer. She mentioned that she wrote a for a local paper in Montgomery County, MD, and she has also written a couple books. I was intrigued when I heard this, so we exchanged information, mainly because she mentioned that she could assist me in getting published. I couldn't find anything on this woman's books online, but I was able to find her myspace page, and read her blogs on there. Immediately I was offended that she had the nerve to call herself a writer. She couldn't write at all, and she was misspelling words, using incorrect tenses, wRiTiNg lIkE tHiS(aka the unabomber style), and it just made me angry, since this was the same woman who told me it was arrogant of me to want to publish a book based on my blog. If you are a writer, you shouldn't want your name and face attached to anything that is sub par. I know on this blog I have my bouts of carelessness from time to time, but you can still navigate your way through that to find the gems. This woman had NO gems, and I could write circles around her after 5 glasses of Johnnie Walker black, during an nba game, while getting a lapdance. Again, it is worth repeating, no one says a blog has to be perfect, but if you are a writer, the bar is high..like it or not.

I know this is very um-masculine of me, but man do I like watching the L word. I was able to catch up on some of the episodes I missed yesterday, and it is great show, and not just because there is frequent lesbian sex..Jennifer Beals is on here, as is an aging, but still sexy, Pam Grier. I won't bore you with the details of the show, but watch it if you have the chance..

I now realize that Monday is my off day for blogging. I don't know whether i'm a slow starter or what, but my Monday entries are generally my weakest. i make no apologies for that.

It's Too Late - Carole King
Thank you Nichole.

ok..It is mother's day, and I am my mother's first child, so I feel more than obligated to tell a story about my mother. She'll never read this sadly, because if I send her this, then she'll want to read more of my blog, and it would blow her mind how perverse and profane her son can be at times. but i digress..besides I can cut and paste this if I really wanted. On to the story..incidentally, i have not told this story to many people if at all.

The date was August 18th, 1997. I woke up at 6am in preparation for my first day as a teacher at Nicholas Orem Middle School in Hyattsville, MD. Just a few days earlier, my son had been born in Hampton, VA, and I had checked my messages to hear that I had gotten the teaching job I had applied for. I was scheduled to start teaching that Monday. I had spent every waking moment with my son before that, and that Sunday I had to head back to MD, in preparation for my first day of class. I didn't have a haircut, I hadn't shaved, I hadn't bought new clothes in preparation for this day, and I hadn't even decorated my classroom yet, because of my last minute hire. I was truly going into this day ill-prepared, but I was going to try to brave it anyway. I woke up, got dressed, made a list of things to do, and hopped on the train to endure my 15 minute ride to the school. I was 22 years old by the way. And I never made it to the school.

I started overthinking..I thought about how ill prepared I was, I thought about how i had not looked at the curriculum that I had been sent to me, since I had been with my son, I thought about how unnatural it seemed to leave him with his mother, and I thought about how i NEEDED to work, so I didn't have time to dwell on it..and while I was doing all that thinking, I broke down crying. And it wasn't even one of those cries where you can gracefully hold it in as tears stream down your face..I was bawling, and somewhere in the process I headed in the opposite direction of the school. I had made the emotional, selfish executive decision to not report to that school, and instead I went to my mother's house in Fairfax, VA. I called the school to inform them that i was not coming in, and they were a bit incredulous as you might imagine, and the principal said I was as good as fired, but at THAT time I really didn't care. **sidebar**As I am typing this I am realizing that I was a jackass, and this was incredibly stupid. But this is about my mother, not me, so I shall...proceed...and continue***Anyway, I went to my mother's house, used the key to get in, and sat in the middle of the floor and cried some more. My mother wasn't home at the time, but her place was full of boxes since she was in the process of moving. I remember lying down in the middle of the floor, and falling asleep for what seemed like an eternity, until I was awakened by her coming the door.

Once she walked in, she asked why I wasn't at school, and I told her, and she did something very unusual. Instead of grilling me with a million and one questions, she walked up to me, hugged me, told me she loved me, and took me to IHOP for breakfast and she told me to talk. I talked about my son, my now spiraling teaching career, my fear of what the rest of my life would be like now that I had two people to be responsible for, and many more subjects. This went on for what seemed like an eternity and I felt better. Once I felt better, my mother gently scolded me for abandoning my job, and told me that I needed a plan and quickly because I could not live with her, which I already knew. But what made me love especially love her on this day is her restraint. I could see the disappointment of my decision in her face, and any other time she would let me know how ill-advised it was, but she put all that aside to make sure I was ok and in the right mental state. I'm sure there are at least 100 other stellar mother moments that I could list, but this one always stands out to me, and i'll never forget it. Its one of things that I'm sure I'll have to do as a parent. Your children make you happy, make you mad, and they will eventually let you down. As a parent you have to be able to navigate that balance between tough love and compassion, and on this day my mother did it perfectly.


*the no proorfread rule is in effect for this one by the way. if i sit here and read it over, i'll delete. so it stays as is