Tuesday, April 20, 2010

As I have mentioned numerous times over the past year, I like to swim in the mornings. I used to go every morning, but now I run AND swim just to keep things interesting and lively. I usually wake up at 5:30, get dressed, jog to the pool, swim for 30-40 minutes and walk home. Its a great way to start the day, I stay in shape, and it sends my libido through the roof. Win, win and win again.

This morning, after a week hiatus, I went back to the pool, hoping to get that good feeling back again. Usually when I go early in the morning, there are just two people: me and this older gentleman. We speak in the locker room, we speak briefly by the pool, and then we speak on the way out. Its a very efficient, minimal operation we run, and I like it that way. Sometimes the lifeguard interrupts our operation by being a little too chatty, but we pretty much blow him off (pause). But this morning, my tranquil morning swim existence was thrown way the hell off.

Instead of just one other person at the pool, there were EIGHT people. I repeat..EIGHT people at 6:15am. Me and the other guy swam for about 10-15 before the onslaught of people arrived. Now let me set the scene..there are three lanes, and two people can fit in each lane comfortably, as long as you know what you're doing--and usually people do. So even though I was highly annoyed at the crowded nature of the pool, I still was able to do my thing..until IT happened..

The woman (I'd say she was in her early 20s) that was in my lane, seemed to ignore the fact that we could swim side-by-side comfortably, and she decided that she wanted to swim behind me. At first, I was fresh and spry so I was able to speed away from her, so I could maintain a less creepy distance from HER. But as I got tired, she seemed to be getting closer and closer to me, and she wasn't really paying attention, but I just had faith that she would know better than to run into me. But sure enough, just a few minutes later, I was swimming comfortably, when I felt two or three fingers on the back of my balls (and yes I said balls).

**as an aside you may be wondering how my boys are even exposed like that to be touched. I could break it down for you, but that's just TMI. Let's just say, I need to follow my main man Sabin's suggestion, and get a tighter, more form fitting swimsuit**

I cut off my stroke, stood up in the middle of the pool, and yelled, "What the f**k man?". I noticed that everyone in the pool (all 5 people) stopped swimming, and the lifeguard stood up, as if I had just pulled out some heat.--still I pressed on:

Me (repeating myself when I got no answer): What the f**k?
Her: Ohmygod, I am sorry, I didn't see you
Me: I know this..why the hell are you swimming behind me and not alongside me like everyone else
Lifeguard: Sir, please lower your voice
Me: Really man?
Her: I'm so sorry, I just had more room swimming behind you, and not next to you, but you slowed down a bit, and i'm just so sorry
Me: It doesn't matter man you need to be next to me or get the hell out the pool. That's just some creepy sh*t
Lifeguard: Mr. Mobley, please calm down
Me: (to the lifeguard): Look man, the pool is crowded, its 6:30 in the morning and she's fingering my balls, and you're telling me to calm down (I'll admit I almost laughed when I said this)
Her: I'm so sorry Mr. Mobley
Me: Call me Rashad, and its cool, I'm getting out, have a good morning
Lifeguard (as I walked out of the pool area): Rashad, I'm sorry, she's new
Me: Again its cool. But don't tell me to lower my voice when new girl is feeling me up like we're on a date (then I really do start laughing)
Lifeguard: I wish she'd touch mine
Me: Just swim and her lane and spread your legs

I must admit the longer I talked, the less angry I got, but still, that's a violation. What would happen if I abandoned proper swimming protocol, swam behind a woman instead of going side-by-side, and accidentally slid three fingers up in her? I would be Roethlisberger'd right about now, and my apology would mean nothing, because that woman would have a fit and work herself up into a justifable frenzy.

But it all ended well. I cut my swim workout short by 15 minutes, went to play basketball for the remaining time, and I headed home. I'll try again on Thursday.

By the way, as much as I am enjoying The Wire, that is NOT a show to watch before you go to bed. No one warned me about that. Its not so much the violence that keeps you up, its thinking about what's going to happen next, who is doing what, and the subplots..I need to be relaxed at night..


Jazzbrew said...


You're right. If the shoe was on the other foot they would have called the cops with the quickness. I would have probably responded in a similar fashion.

Notorious Kim said...

L.M.A.O!!!! You are so right re: if the shoe was on the other foot (or in this case, if the hand was on the other set of genitalia).

Janelle said...

See?? This is why you need a camera crew to document the BLD moments of your life. This is HILARIOUS. The violation, not so much. You would be in the newspaper with some creepy headline nickname like The Poking Poolman if the shoe were on the other foot.

Miss. Lady said...

OMG! I am at my desk dying with laughter. but she was wrong though and had it been reversed you would have been toast.

Jazzbrew said...

I'm crying over here... the responses to this are just as funny as the post... "if the hand was on the other set of genitalia" and "The Poking Poolman"... classic.

...and remember bruh... we're laughing WITH you.