Friday, September 29, 2006

I am still pissed and my situation is unchanged, and there comes a point, where you are so angry that all you can do is laugh. A weird calm comes over you, that is downright eerie. I could crack a joke right now just as quickly as I could steal someone square in their jaw. But I've done all that I can do right now, and I still think this entire situation will work out in my favor sooner rather than later; however, today and yesterday have showed me that there are some things that I absolutely DO not care to hear when I'm going thru a situation like this. Such as:

1)"I'll pray for you"..My mother is the biggest violator in this department but there are others. If you are going to pray for me, then just do that shit. Don't announce it to me, because chances are I'm just not trying to hear that. I'm not saying prayer isn't effective, but when i'm pissed or irritated, your declaration of this action ain't helping. I realize in my last entry I asked folks to send good vibes, but that's something that can be done without me hearing or reading about it man. If that sounds hypocritical so be it

2) Don't go down a list of things I SHOULD do..chances are I have already done the things you are suggesting. I did go to college, and I do have a certain degree of intelligence, so I am perfectly capable of troubleshooting in a difficult situation. Plus if I'm telling you my problem, it's because I want to keep you informed, or you asked me. I'm not telling you my problems to get solutions

3) Don't ask me what's wrong every five minutes..that's like asking are we there yet..the shit ain't changed since the last time you asked, and hell no I'm not alright.

That's all I can think of right now. I know this email sounds angry as hell, but that's where I am. Writing is the best way to maintain sanity right now. I could drink or pray (in that order), but I'm saving that for later just in case shit gets worse. I do appreciate the kind comments i've gotten. very much so.
There are times when writing this blog and my feelings that go with it are easy and damn near cathartic. And then there are other times when it is downright painful to write about something, because you know folks will have a million and one questions. This is one of those times. I am not going to answer questions about this, but I need to vent. I have yet to see my son, and I am not at all happy about it. The number where he stays is temporarily disconnected, and it is pissing me off more than I can properly articulate. Hopefully by tomorrow, I'll have an answer to this problem. I have an address, but he is on an Air Force base, so I can't just march on there looking for him. If you happen to read this, just send some good vibes up for me, because right now, I don't have any. None at all.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Last night while watching ESPN, I saw a brief story on how legendary golfer Byron Nelson had passed away at the age of 94. While I was watching the story, I thought to myself, that no one should really be sad when someone dies after age 90. Not to be mean, but once you reach 90, you are basically operating on borrowed time anyway. Chances are you've lived a full life, you possibly have kids, grandkids, great grandkids, etc. The sexual chapter of your life has LONG since been over, but you can still look and reminisce on the wonderful tricks you USED to be able to do, and you really don't have worries...that's ideally. The downside is that you could be totally dependent on others, you could be in a nursing home with other crazy old folks, or you could be missing a spouse or relative who you've outlived. Either way, I generally don't get sad once someone passes at 90, and especially not at age 94. From what I've read, Mr. Nelson had a full life, and I'm sure he woke up yesterday, and was like ok that's quite enough of this. The notion of that actually makes me smile.

Even though I'm 31, the idea of going to the airport is STILL exciting to me. I like to go to the gate about 2 hours early, and just people watch. You see people frantically running through the airport like OJ in a Hertz commercial..and then you see other people kissing and hugging a loved one who is either leaving or returning. And occasionally you see people who look like they are cheating on their spouse..Good times indeed! The airport is one of those places like the DMV, because it is the great equalizer. Everyone has to get stripped down at security, and everyone is at the mercy of the pilots and airport staff in general. It can very humbling..

Honestly, I am very excited about going out of town and seeing my son, so I really don't have a lot on my mind except that. So if my blog sucks today, then that's my excuse. Perhaps tomorrow, after a day of travel, I'll have more exciting events to speak on.

On my way into work this morning, I played this song from Spike Lee's movie, Crooklyn that came out in 1994. This song has nothing to do with my mood or anything, its just a damn good song entitled Crooklyn Dodgers.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ok, so I have a confession to make. After all that jazz I talked about the Monday Night Football game, not really being much more than a game, I found myself caught up in the moment last night. The juxtaposition of the depressing scenes from 13 months ago, with the frenzied fans who occupied the Superdome last night was quite moving. But as Spike Lee said during his brief appearance in the booth, last night was good, but it is what happens from this point on that is important. I'm not going to go on a rant here today, because I've discussed this subject ad nauseum. But what I WILL bitch about is the decision to include U2 and Green Day in the "Welcome back New Orleans" celebration. I must say I'm not a U2 fan anymore, but I used to be in the mid to late 80s. And Green Day has never tickled my fancy, but I hold no grudge against them at all. But considering the game was in New Orleans, it seems to me better pre-game and halftime acts could have been chosen. They could have picked a teen marching band, Harry Connick Jr., the Marsalis Brothers, Lil Wayne(just kidding), or even some musicians that embodied the New Orleans spirit. Instead they chose two rocks bands..good acts, bad timing.

So tomorrow I leave for a trip to Arizona to see my son Carlton..finally. I must say I have all kinds of mixed feelings about the trip. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to see him, and I can't wait to get into all types of activities with him. But for a long distance parent, there is always a moment of nervousness. I worry that he may resent me for being so far away, and not there the way his stepfather is..I wonder if he'll start to probe deeper into the reasons why his mother and I never were together..and then of course I'll wonder how long it'll take him to completely warm up to me again. I'm probably overthinking these things as usual, but I can't help it. I never take for granted the fact that I'm a parent of a handsome young man, but it still hurts at times that I've missed so much of his life, due to distance and other circumstantial crap. But for a few days, I will put all that aside, and just make the best out of the situation. That's the least I can do.

I am also having mixed feelings about my 10 year anniversary Hampton University homecoming that is coming up in October. Initially, I was gung ho about seeing old friends, going to a game for the first time in awhile, and just being in that atmosphere. But now I don't know. Some of my good friends are either preoccupied with familial obligations, or they just aren't interested, and this has curbed my enthusiasm a great deal. There's nothing wrong with recreating that college magic for a weekend, but the reality is that was 10 years ago, and EVERYONE has changed. Still, I think it'll be fun. As you can see, I dont know what the hell I'm going to do. I think if Carlton were with me, I'd definitely go, take him to the game, and let him see firsthand how uncool his father was in college.

A few people have come to me for relationship advice over the past few days, and it completely blows my mind. I have had minimal success in relationships, yet I'm able to give little nuggets of wisdom to people. I wonder if they ever look at me and say yeah right whatever, and then do the opposite of what I say.

And now, a selection by Sting entitled: Dienda .
While I'm at it, here's the same song, done differently by Branford Marsalis: Dienda, Part deux.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I had a pretty interesting day on Saturday. It started off with me helping a friend of mine move, which is always a pain in the ass. I had no problems helping her, but moving in general is a pain, and I know this because I had to do it earlier this year. You have to get boxes, tape, decide what you're going to pack, and what you're going to leave out, and then there's the truck rental, etc. So I walked into her place ready to help, but dreading the overall process. But lo and behold, when I came to the door, she had on a tank top that I could see directly through..I saw her entire chest, and then I saw it again while we were bending over and lifting things. I didn't act on this at all, but I cannot lie and say I made any effort to turn away. She didn't have a big chest, but it was definitely nice to look at. Very shapely. Most time when I move, I am moving with dudes, and seeing breasts and nipples is not a viable option. So right away I was energized for the move.

Later on that day, one of her friends asked me if I had all the money in the world, what would be the first thing I would do, and I responded by saying I'd buy a sports franchise. But then that question got me thinking, what is my ideal job? If I had the power to construct my own job description what would I do? And here it is:

1)I'd have a sports radio show everyday from 10-1. Sports would be the basis of the show, but topics could include music, politics and anything besides sex. A sex talk show attracts a kind of person, that I wouldn't want to interact with on a daily basis

2) I'd like to write a column for a major newspaper. I wouldn't want to be a beat reporter, because that requires a lot of work. I'd want to pick a sports topic, and then write about it..Columinists don't get published everyday, so this would be about 3 to 4 times a week, depending on what was going on in the world of sports

3) I'd like to teach ONE writing class at a major university. This would allow me to satisfy my teaching jones, help to feel young by being around youthful talent, and this would also increase my honorarium should I choose to do any public speaking. I'd show up to class everyday smoking a pipe too..

4) And finally, at night, during basketball season, I'd like to be an NBA referee. This has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine. This job is rather strenuous, but it would keep me in shape and give me a front row seat to the game of my choice. So there you have it. Somebody help me make it happen!!

Anyway, later on that Saturday, I spent a few hours with an older friend of mine talking about life, work and everything in between. It is interesting sometimes to get perspective on life from older men and women(who aren't your parents). I enjoyed it immensely.

The highlight of the weekend will actually be tonight, when the Atlanta Falcons play the New Orleans Saints in the Superdome tonight. The media is having a field day with the notion that a football game is being played at the very Superdome, where Katrina's victims sought refuge. While that story is poignant, and a damn good one, I could care less about that at this point. There is lots of work to be done, and a football game, while I"m sure it is a welcome distraction for some, doesn't take my mind off of that. The REAL reason I am hyped about tonight's game, is that I get to see Michael Vick and Reggie Bush square off. This should be very interesting.

By the way, to those folks who get bored when I write about sports, you all can kiss my entire black ass two times. Sports isn't my entire life, but its 65% of it.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I'd like to take a bit of time to write about YOU. I know at some point during the week, if not everyday, you click on the link to my blog, and read all about what is going on with me. You may be that person who reads faithfully, but never really sees it necessary to comment; or you may be that nosy person, who just wants to see what Rashad is up to, without really having to talk or email him. There's a touch of voyeurism in you, and this blog feeds that fetish. Or maybe you're a bitter to semi-bitter ex of mine in some capacity, who reads hoping you'll find something you can gloat on the inside about, but instead you find something that hurts your little bullshit feelings. Or maybe you appreciate this blog, and you like my writing, but you're way too shy to comment. Or finally, maybe you're an egotistical bastard who reads, and then wants to comment, you forgot your password, so rather than post anonymously, you don't post a comment at all because then no one will be able see that you commented. To each one of you, hello, and leave a comment please. It's free and most importantly, if you don't leave a comment, you must be a terrorist, and I will strike down upon thee with furious vengeance

After a 3 week hiatus, I finally talked to my dad yesterday. It puzzles me that he almost NEVER calls me. And then as soon as I call, he says you know I was just thinking about you..I'm like then pick up the phone man. My grandmother told me one day that the onus is always on the child to initiate and maintain contact with the parent, and I suppose that is true..especially since my father is getting older. We had our usual conversation talking about lesbian/straight women, sports, college nostalgia, and how proud he was of my brother for getting married. My father also reiterated that he will NEVER get remarried under any circumstances. He married my mother when he was 23, divorced her at 43, got remarried at 44, and was divorced again by 50. He enjoys his solitude, and says that if he seriously doubts that he'll get lonely. The male side of me admires that, especially in an era when so many people claim that they NEED a partner. But as his son, I worry about him. My father is a proud man, and I would never know if he had health problems, or even if he got lonely, because he wouldn't want to burden me. It wouldn't be so bad if he had a wife or main woman who I could talk to get the lowdown. I don't think its an issue right now, but I think about it. I think every child in their 30s(if not earlier) starts to think about their parents mortality. Yeah I pray and all that jazz, but despite that, I still get very concerned about both my parents as I get older..

Oh, and my brother Jamal reminded me yesterday that I HAVE been sexually whipped before, so I must come clean about that. In the summer of '95, my friend(who is now happily married with two kids) put it on me something fierce for a good 4 months..(2 during the summer, and 2 in the fall). I don't know how I forgot her, but it probably has something to do with our tumultuous breakup. But once my brother reminded me, I remember the entire torrid affair. Every time I count how many people I've had sex with, I always leave her out, and I'm not sure why..

And now, a jazz selection from Moe Koffman entitled: Days Gone By

Thursday, September 21, 2006

It is like death and taxes. Every year, as soon as the temperature dips one degree below 60, there is always one jackass(who is usually black) who breaks out the extra thick leather jacket, as if that is their only defense against the chilly weather. No thin coat, no sport jacket, no sweatshirt, they just go straight for the jugular, and wear the thick black leather coat with the hood. Conversely, there is always yet another jackass(who is usually white), who goes the other extreme, and wears short sleeves and shorts, as if the 55-60 degree weather is really a tropical Bermuda climate. Where's the middle ground man? And these people probably NEVER get sick or get the sniffles. Meanwhile, I've been fighting off a cold for about a week now, and I dress appropriately. By the way this reminds of my own personal theory I call the George Burns theory...

George Burns smoked at least 5 or 6 cigars daily for more than three quarters of his life. Conventional wisdom would tell you that he should have been dead by 50 or 60, of some type of lung or respiratory affliction. But no, George Burns lived to be 100 years old, and died of natural causes, basicaly giving the finger to the anti-tobacco folks. So, there are some people who can have unprotected sex all their life, never get AIDS or an STD, but they get hit by a car and die at 55 years old. And then there are others who will get the STD from hell the first time they have sex. This my friends, is the George Burns theory. I'm sure it is flawed and a bit asinine, but I've been explaning this thing for a good 8 or 9 years, and I' m not stopping now.

So yesterday, my friend Nina and I were discussing the effects and differences of whipping someone as opposed to getting whipped. This was not a slavery nostalgia conversation, but it was about sex. She mentioned that in the past, she had a friend who she whipped it on, and as a a result, he has never really stopped chasing her, and apparently he can never get enough of her goodies. I was telling her that he could have very well been the kind of man who consistently puts HIS mojo on women, which means he has a take it or leave it attitude towards sex with that person; however, when the tables are finally turned, that person is in a position of weakness, and moreso than that, they are intrigued by the forbidden they keep chasing. I feel like I'm intellectualizing (not a real word) this concept just a bit too much, but i'm a paragraph deep now, I aint stopping. So Nina's friend probably just wants to keep having sex with her until he's "conquered" her, and then he'll abandon ship. This feeds right into the stereotype that men just want a challenge, and once they get it they leave. This is simply untrue.

I have never really been whipped consistently. I've had isolated session when a woman has seriously blown my mind(sometimes literally) so much, that I think about seriously locking her in my apartment, like we were snowed in like The Shining. But I don't know whether I do something wrong, or I've just possibly slept with the wrong people, but I"ve never had anyone do that to me consistently. I've had great sex, but to whip someone is entirely different level. An older cousin of mine back in the day used to tell me that I wouldn't find that level until I got in a serious and committed relationship. I used to find that hard to believe, but there may be some truth to that. Then again, I have a female friend who is in a satisfying, committed relationship, and she said that her best experiences came from a month long fling in college. She said that he was stupid, but for a month long span, he gave her long deep loving, like it was going out of style.

If you're scoring at home (or if you're alone) you'll notice that I have written about sex twice this week. I'm not getting any, and so I'm going to be writing about it more. It is both therapeutic and cathartic for me, and without this expression vehicle called a blog, I would be a crazy crazy man, and no one wants that.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

When I was in high school and again in college, I remember reading about a term that W.E.B. Dubois called, "double consciousness". In his book, The Souls of Black Folk, he describes it as: "..this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his twoness,--an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder". At various points in my life I have felt what Dubois describes, and my boy Cliff and I were talking about this yesterday.

Cliff is a pilot, and he basically said that as he got off the plane a group of brothers shouted towards him. Since there aren't many black pilots, they were happy to see him, so they showed their love. Instantly, Cliff was in a quandary. Since there are so few brothers who are pilots, he is constantly aware of how he carries himself in public, and how important it is to maintain that image while his uniform is on. And he does this towards white and black employees no matter how high or low they are. At the same time, he can't alienate the brothers either. They may not have been eloquent enough to greet him in the politically correct way all the time, but that doesn't make their greeting any less sincere or genuine. And all the while, Cliff's white co-workers are watching as well to see how he will interact with the brothers. If Cliff lets his guard down too much, the his white colleagues will say, "See, I knew he was one of them". But if he reacts in a muted way, they'll breathe a sigh of relief and say "YES, he's still one of us". And THEN, Cliff doesn't want to be put in a position where he's disrespecting the brothers in front of his white co-workers, because that is just downright humiliating. Now of course I'm generalizing a bit here, but not by much. Now Cliff took the easy way out, and pulled out his cell phone, so that he wouldn't have to acknowledge the brothers..that's an act of avoidance that I have used many times, and Cliff is to be commended for that. There have many times when I have used my cell phone to avoid people and uncomfortable situations. It is a tried and true formula that I highly recommend.

But there have been times when I was in Cliff's predicament with some of the brothers in various mailrooms where I've worked over the years. I had this one situation where this brother from the mailroom would greet me in a loud fashion, totally oblivious to the fact that work was going on, and we were in a work environment. If I ignored him or told him to use his "inside" voice, he would hint that I was a sellout; if I engaged him too much, I'd get funny looks from my co-workers. Now there would be times when I talk to him for about 10-15 minutes, without caring who saw me. I had to be in work mode all day long, and sometimes it was nice to cut loose. But then there were other times, I'd pull him aside and say look man, I'm being watched constantly, you can talk to me, but keep it down. Now some people may say I'm being a snob, or I'm being paranoid, and they can kiss my entire black ass. In SOME workplaces, the margin of error is extremely small, and everything must be accounted for..even double consciousness. Anyway...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

So yesterday, I got several comments from people basically telling me that yesterday's entry was boring and it sucked ass. I have mixed feelings about comments like that. On one hand I ALWAYS appreciate any bit of criticism, praise or suggestion. It lets me know folks are reading, and they actually care. But on the other hand, I think its a little unfair to expect that my blog be action packed every damn day. My life is simply not that exciting on a day to day basis, and some days my thought process is just plain boring. And then on other days, I have thoughts of giving and receiving oral sex on my desk during work hours. These things are never planned though, its totally spontaneous. I've come to the conclusion that I'm suffering from what is called the Mary J Blige syndrome. When Mary J Blige was getting hurt, beat up and just overall having a hard time in relationships, her cd's were absolutely great. You could hear the pain in every note, every song, and scorned men and women everywhere fell hook, line and sinker and bought it. And then Mary had the nerve to go and find a man, and get happy, and her cds have been painfully mediocre. Even though everyone wants to be happy, they tend to like their music pain-ridden and miserable, and I guess I'm one of those people. That's why the blues and country music continues to thrive and has such a huge following: They both center around pain and great suffering. Rumor has it that Mary is on the verge of a divorce, which means I need to pre-order her new cd right now.

Basically my point is, my blog seemed to be more exciting when there was some kind of drama going on in my life. Although, as I navigate through this self-discovery period, some interesting thoughts still may run across my mind. So perhaps exciting entries are a-coming after all. I will say this though: I miss steady sex. Oh I miss it with a passion. I can honestly say that since February when my then girlfriend graciously gave it up after the third date, I haven't gone longer than a week without doing it. Unless I get weak or stumble on the Flavor of Love set or something, that isn't happening anytime soon. It gets to the point where I look at people who have really never been all that sexy to me(Suzy Kolber of ESPN fame), and I start thinking of them riding me with reckless abandon. It's really a sad state of affairs. I need to recruit a woman who is my same predicament, and who wants NOTHING but sex for a strong month. Then I'd be sick of it for another month, and all would be well with the world. Sadly, these women do NOT seem to exist in the DC area. (that sentence is a plea in disguise) Plus part of me thinks I'm too old to be settling for that kind of arrangement........yeah right. In the words of immortal Q-Tip, "my mind is in a frenzy and a horny state".

And I'll end my entry with Electric Relaxation. I'll give $100 to anyone who can tell me the chorus to that song.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I had an up and down weekend man. On one hand it was nice to just relax and do things at my own leisure, as opposed to planning for two. But on the other hand, I had to resist the temptation of calling my friend(or anyone else for that matter), and that was a bit difficult. I ended up having a brief text message conversation with her, but that's about it. I must admit I was pretty proud of myself, but it was only one weekend. We shall see what happens.

A female friend and I talked on Friday night, and she told me she was flirting with the idea of taking on a same sex partner. That spawned an interesting conversation on what we expect of a mate when we are in the screening process. She mentioned that while she was in the process of figuring out what she wanted in a woman, in the past she may have placed unrealistic expectations on men. I KNOW I am guilty of this..I can't even begin to recall how many times I expect a woman to be outgoing, when I know I'm not. Or expect her to be affectionate, when I know that's not really my style. I guess the trick is to figure out the balance between someone complimenting you, and expecting someone to compensate for what you don't have. That's a very fine line. But anyway, back to the same sex thing. It is fascinating to me how many women have had lesbian experiences. Personally, I'm all for it, but I've never looked at my boys like that. Not even close.

Other weekend highlights:

-I had lunch with an ex co-worker of mine on Saturday. It is easy to forget how nice it is to have a simple outing with the opposite sex without expectations. I had a damn good time.

-Watching football, and getting lit up off of margaritas with boy Kevin. I mean yeah my beloved Philadelphia Eagles lost, but I barely noticed because we were talking trash. After all these years, nothing really changes. We drink, watch sports, crack jokes and then go home. It sounds simple, but sometimes I forget just how much fun that can be.

-I played basketball for the first time in about two months, and I had a woman guarding me. Very interesting. At first, I was being too delicate with her, and then she started scoring on me. It was obvious that she had played collegiately, because she was quick and had a good shot. I eventually got the upper hand, but she made me work for it. I also was able to "accidentally" rub on her ass, and gently "graze" her chest. Of course this was all in the heat of the battle, but still..I got a workout and a cheap thrill at the same time. Good times.

Friday, September 15, 2006

So this morning I walked past that same short yellow bus that I walked by about two weeks back. It was sunny this morning, instead of raining, and I guess the mood of the kids was much better too. When I walked past the bus, they all pressed their little noses against the window of the bus and waved at me. I enthusiastically waved back to the kiddies as I walked by, and I smiled(ok I was laughing, but my heart was in the right place). After seeing that I felt obligated to have a good day. I'm not just living for me anymore, I'm living for a bus full of short yellow bus kids.

This is the first weekend in a long time I don't have any plans with a woman I'm interested in, and I must say it is a bit refreshing. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend of mine tomorrow, and my boy Kevin is supposed to come in town, but aside from that, no plans. I know there will be a time when that bores me, but on this particular occasion I look forward to it. I can watch both college and professional football, do some writing, some housecleaning, and just relax.

Not much on my mind this morning..just looking forward to this weekend. It's been quite an eventful weekend. I have two more songs to leave as a parting gift. I'm not doing this shit everyday, it just so happens I am moved to do so this week.

Invitation by Norman Connors
Brown Sugar by Mos Def

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I know now that getting over a hangover is a day long experience. I went STRAIGHT home after work, shunning a drink outing(sorry 'Nita), and completely forgetting about a lecture I wanted to attend as well. After I ate dinner and slept, I felt much better. I'm definitely laying off liquor for awhile. I'll stick to wine.

I also realized that this week I have neglected to write about Sept 11th and the 10th anniversary of Tupac's passing. I really dont have much to say about Sept 11th anymore. This sounds really insensitive, but the thing I remember most about that day, is that NO sports were on. I mean absolutely none. I remember turning to ESPN Classic, hoping that they would at least show an old game or something, and all I kept seeing was news and coverage of the "terrorist" act. For two straight days I had to endure this, and that combined with the paranoia that was already in place, made for a miserable week. If I admitted that outside the walls of this blog, I'm sure I'd be vilified though.

Watching 2pac during that 1990-1996 span was like watching Kwame Brown play basketball. At time he's display magnificent brilliance, intelligence and vision. And then at other times you'd be frustrated at how clueless he seemed to be at time, or you'd be let down by some of his decision. Either way, he was definitely a intriguing brother, and it's a shame he was taken away before we got to see his true brilliance. His 1995 song So Many Tears, will always be my favorite of his. Ok now I feel better..I covered an entire week of current events in two short paragraphs.

I have no personal drama to report to day. A relatively quiet night has that effect. Just like a rainy morning has this effect: I have decided to assemble a list of my top 5 rain songs(you can tell High Fidelity is one of my favorite movies. So here they are:

5) If You Were Here Tonight by Alexander O'Neal. There really isn't a mention of rain in the whole damn song, but the beat just sounds like something you'd listen to while you're at home or driving in the rain. He actually spends the entire song wishing someone were in his bed with him.

4) Making Love in the Rain by Herb Alpert, Lisa Keith on lead vocals, Janet Jackson on background vocals. Surprise, surprise, this song is all about sex, and everything about the music oozes with sex. Herb Alpert's trumpet, the vocals, and the rain sound effects. I've never actually had sex to this song, but I plan on it. I'll even write about it once I do

3) Pretty Brown Eyes by Mint Condition: The entire song has this teardrop sound to it that sounds just like rain. Very good stuff, despite the sad lyrics.

2) Rain by SWV: They spend the entire song asking their man to allow their love to rain down on them, which is quite a nasty, yet intriguing concept if you ask me. The best part about the song is the fact that it begins and ends with the sound of a downpour. Very sexy stuff.

1) Stranger in Moscow by Michael Jackson: This is actually one of my favorite songs period, but it is definitely my favorite rain song. Apparently, Michael wrote this song while he was in his hotel room alone in Russia. Apparently all of the little boys were sleep, so he figured why not write a song. The song is actually kind of sad, but it sounds like a rain song, and the video was actually shot in the rain, so it adds to whole effect. Great, great song.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I broke my rule last night, and I went out on a weeknight, and I am paying for it dearly this morning. I drank a bit too much last night, and I am now suffering from a rather large hangover. I overslept, I got in to work late for the first time in like 3 years, and I'm even writing my blog about 3 hours later than I normally do. I know better than this, but I must say it felt good to throw caution to the wind last night. I spend so much of my life being quiet, reserved and calculated, and last night I was none of those things. I know my friends Brandon and Nina (and anyone else for that matter) wanted to kick my ass, or kick me out of the venue altogether. Hopefully they will grant me a pass though Yesterday was rough man.

My friend and I parted ways yesterday, and that was a bit disappointing, but I felt it was necessary. I need a break from women for awhile..and not one of those fake breaks where I am still looking for someone on the low. I need a real break to get my head right, and figure out what is really going on. I know that sounds cliched, but it is my reality right about now. It won't kill me to be still for a minute anyway. I can catch up with friends, save some money, and get more in touch with my own genitals. Deep down I wonder if I ever will find someone to make me happy. I've let go lots of women in the past couple of years, and it is mostly due to my lack of patience. I am a little worried that once I am ready to settle down, a woman is going to hurt me and hurt me bad. I've used this analogy before, but its like getting the chicken pox as an adult. When you get chicken pox as a child, it is easier to shake off. You isolate yourself, use calomine lotion, and in a few days you are alright except for some marks on your face. But when you get the chicken pox as an adult, the consequences are much more drastic. It takes longer to shake off, it requires way more attention from a doctor, and in some cases it can be life threatening. I fear the same will happen to me if I get hurt right now. Heartbreak is a part of life, and the fact that I have avoided it a bit unsettling.

I've been doing this blog thing for about 2 months and some change, and I am really curious as to how I come off to people. Do I sound like a bitch? Do I sound conflicted? Does someone read my blog and say, yeah I do that too? I am real curious about that, because every now and then it is nice to know that someone shares your same thought process. Or perhaps this hangover is making me type and think some outrageous shit..who knows.

I have a song in my heart and in my head today. It is by Marvin Gaye, and its called Come Get To This . My boy Kevin told me about this song awhile back, but its in my head today. Enjoy.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I don't know if its irony, unselfishness or what, but about 5 minutes ago I saw a homeless woman using half a loaf of bread to feed some pigeons. Very interesting.

Anyway, I continued my annoying ritual of waking up at 5am, which is about an hour and some change earlier than I really need to be awake. But instead of laying in the bed trying to devise a plot to take over the world, I got up and just happen to stumble on Chris Rock's, 90 minutes of comedic genius entitled, Never Scared. Now I've seen this about 5 times already, and I always catch something new depending on what I'm going through in my life. In one particular section, Chris speaks on three situations one can be in: 1)happy in a relationship and bored and 2) in a bad relationship where drama makes everything exciting 3)single and lonely. Now I am quite sure Chris was oversimplifying to strengthen his joke, but on some level he is definitely on point. I know dudes who are married, love their wife, and are happy, but they miss that level of excitement the single life allegedly brings. Then I know people who are bad relationships, and they are constantly knee deep in some form of drama that they seemingly thrive upon. And then you have those people who are single and in some form of self-exploration that will lead to them being better mates and better people as they continue in their quest for Allah and Justice(ok I made that last part up but you get my point).

I've been the happy, bored relationship man for a hot minute; I also have spent time in the wonderful torture chamber also known as the drama-filled relationship, and I've spent the least amount of time in the reflective, Allah and Justice mode, and that is probably where I belong. But I've been fighting it off like it was grim death. But my recent, day-long scrap with my lady friend has me wondering if I really do need to stop fighting it off..not the grim death part though. I didn't do anything wrong this time, and neither did she, it was just a difference in opinion. But that difference of opinion escalated into an all out jihad against one another. It had the feel of a drama-filled relationship, which was in stark contract to the smooth sailing it had been throughout August and the first week of Sept. And as a friend of mine said to me yesterday, it seems like it is taking a shorter time for you to sabotage your friendship/relationships..which is debatable but probably true. So right now I'm in a reflective mode by default. It makes for good blog topics, but it is annoying to have to be thinking about this kind of stuff again. But as my father says, that is life my man. Deal with it.

Other observations:

-Jamie Foxx is incredibly annoying. He was Monday Night football last night, and instead of just giving a nice humorous interview, he felt the need to be "on", and it was just annoying. For my sake, I hope he's on his 14th minute of fame. Yes he's talented, but I see way too much of him. Of course he could very well say, Who the fuck are you Rashad..

-Tony Kornheiser is rapidly improving in his Monday Night Football role. And he's challenging Joe Theismann more, which is what he should have been doing from the jump

-My beloved Philadelphia Eagles are 1-0, while the rest of the division is 0-1.

-Last night in the barbershop, I witnessed one of those priceless moments. A nice looking woman with a Serena-like ass, walked by the barbershop. Within a second, all 6 barbers stopped cutting and ran to the window to get a front row seat. I chose to set aside my reputation as a leader, and I followed everyone else to the window to get a look at the ass myself, and it was indeed a beautiful thing. So here were 8 grown men(the high school "intern" was looking too) pressed up against a glass window looking at this woman's ass, and none of us thought to open the door to convince her to come in the shop or even try to talk to her. Brilliance personified.

Monday, September 11, 2006

There are certain episodes of Seinfeld that make me laugh because it is just too hard to fathom that the events depicted can actually happen. And then there are others that are not just funny, but very true. George Costanza has an episode where he talks about his worlds colliding, and the dangers of that. George doesn't want to bring his girlfriend around his regular friends, because he is scared that he'll lose his sense of individuality if the worlds collide. This past weekend I had a series of worlds collide, and it was uncomfortable.

First I attended a going away dinner for a co-worker/friend of mine, but I brought my lady friend with me, and for various reasons there was tension. Not only was there tension, but there was unspoken tension, which is the worse kind. I managed to salvage a good time, but there was enough tension to make me feel like my worlds had collided. Then, at more then a few points this weekend, there was tension between my ladyfriend and I, and there was also the first official argument, which wasn't so bad, but it wasn't good either. We tried to push thru that, and for the most part I believe we did. And finally, my ex girlfriend was in town this weekend, and her presence collided with my current friend. I suppose I should go into explicit detail and explain each of these examples of world collision, but I really don't feel like it. In all three examples, I think I could have used much better judgment to avoid these situations. But swift changes will be made. I didn't even mention my bout with financial irresponsibility this weekend too. But all these things will be rectified. I'm not necessarily a control freak, but I do like for my life to have some kind of order, and I shall get it by any means necessary.

But the MOST important event to take place this weekend was the start of the football season. I watched two and a half games this weekend, and I purposely avoided all of the pre game hype that went with it. My boy told me I should write about what a buffoon Michael Irvin is, and one day I will. But most of these pregame NFL shoes are ex-football players trying to one up one another. I'd much rather watch the games and draw my own conclusion. And beloved Philadelphia Eagles are 1-0. And Mcnabb looked damn good. There are two more games tonight, and as much as I complained about the Monday Night Football format in a previous blog entry, I am glad there are two games tonight.

I'm lazy today man..I could type out about 3 more pages worth of thoughts, fears, and all that but it just isn't in me. Not today.

Friday, September 08, 2006

There are some days when I sit down and do this blog stuff, and I realize that I really have nothing to say. It is only when I start typing, and do less thinking that the words start flowing thru me(this sounds like some spoken word bullshit). However, today is NOT one of those days. I had something happen to me that I wish I was making up. And all of this before 7:00am.

So I'm walking towards the train station listening to my new Georgia Anne Muldrow CD, (which is damn good by the way, pick it up). While I'm walking, I notice a brother in a gold Corolla driving by me rolling down his window. I give him the head nod, and gives me the same, and I keep it moving..or so I thought. Less than 30 seconds later, I hear someone running up on me, and I quickly remove my headphones, and turn around. Granted I haven't been in a fight in 10 years, but I get defensive and assume the fight pose like Tyson in the first round. The same brother who gave me the head nod, taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I go or went to Howard U, to which I respond with a resounding no (Hampton University is my alma mater). Then he asks me if I teach in the area, and I say no sir, but it is at THIS point, that I suspect that he may have the gay. He goes on about how he just moved back to the area from New York, and he's just trying to get to know people, and I look familiar. I continue to give him the same BK mascot expression. Then he extends his hand, introduces himself to me, and asks me my name and I give it to him.

Now at this juncture, I have already thought of my escape, so I'm very calm and cool. He asks me if i have a good memory, and I say not at 7am, but he shouts his number anyway(leaving out the area code). Then I saw well alright, I'm going to run along now, and he asks me for my number. Now I don't care if you have the gay, you are a woman, or anything in between. If you call out your number, and the person you give it to blows you off(poor word choice I know), doesn't write down the number, and attempts to leave, chances are they aren't going to call. The proper thing for me to have done would have been to say I'm not interested man, and keep it moving. But I'm not proper. So I remove my headphones and ask the brother why he wants my number..and he starts to stutter a bit. He says that maybe we can hang out sometime..I say why do I want to hang out with someone I dont know..and he says you should be open to meeting new people. About a million and one smartass comments came to mind, but I let him off the hook and said, I don't need your number, and you don't need mine. He then says, I left my car parked on the side on the street, and I need to go move it, and I say you do that man. Then I hear him say nice meeting you, but I'm already jamming to my new cd at that point.

This is the fif time I have been hit on by a gay dude since I've lived in DC(1997). And this is the boldest anyone has gotten. This dude pulled off of a major DC street during rush hour to talk to me like he wanted to take me back to his Neverland ranch or something. Now granted I do have on a pink shirt, but in this day in age, dudes can wear pink and still maintain their masculine swagger. Plus I was in Atlanta (The Black Gay Mecca) two weeks ago, and I wasn't hit on at all, so why here in DC? Anyway.. I need to find a gay man who doesn't want me, and ask him what is it about me that would cause this to happen. I'm just curious at this point..

I had other things to say this morning, but they'll have to wait. Wait..there were various subplots leading up to yesterdays Steelers/Dolphins game, but the one everyone left out was that two black quarterbacks were starting in a primetime game that kicked off the season. The fact that not a single TV broadcast mentioned this, means that the sports world is taking successful babysteps towards recognizing that this men are QBs..not black QBs. Of course Daunte Culpepper's performance didn't do much for getting rid of the black-QBs-suck stigma, but Charlie Batch more than made up for it.

And speaking of brothers, it was nice to see James Blake put up a bit of a fight against Roger Federer last night. Nobody's beating Roger though..not in this tournament.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Today marks the official start of the National Football League season, and this will be the 26th season that I've watched. Of course back when I started watching, the games were on Sundays and Mondays, with the exception of the Thanksgiving game, and the Saturday games that came on in December. Now, football is on Thursday night, Sunday, Sunday night and Monday. And Monday Night Football is now on ESPN, which now means if you don't have cable, you are out of luck.

But anyway, the start of the season makes me think about the first time I watched a game on tv. I was living in Cleveland, and back then I was a Browns fan. I would occasionally look at football, but my attention span as a 5 year old was not all that good. Then suddenly I noticed this. I sat right up and said, Daddy, that man has my name on his jersey. He explained to me that man was Ahmad Rashad (formerly Bobby Moore), and THAT was my official introduction to football. Since my name was being paraded around the football field, I felt it was my duty to not only watched Mr. Rashad, but all the other teams as well. I actually want that picture framed, and put in my house. And if throwback jerseys were still in style, I'd purchase Ahmad Rashad's jersey and wear it out, like Linus and his blanket. But I digress. My prediction for tonight: Dolphins win 20-10.

I know I have touched on this subject before, but it deserves yet another mention. Having female friends is truly a beautiful thing. It's like having the answers to the test everyday of college...its like being Michael J Fox when he goes back in time, already knowing how the future will turn out; its like going out on a date with a woman you've already had sex with, and you just KNOW that you will get some. Female friends provide me with all kinds of insight and juicy nuggets of info, that I'd otherwise be in the dark about. Sadly, this has yet to translate into a successful relationship with a woman, but I don't blame my female friends for no no..That is my own inept behavior. In the past couple of weeks I've learned about women's masturbatory habits, what women feel and think while dating/courting a guy, the frequency with which women think about sex, what women go thru in terms of finding, styling, and maintaining their hair, what women consider to be cheating versus what's faithful, and countless other lessons. If there is a silver lining to be found in not trying to sleep with a woman, this is it.

I'm still nervous about the personal trainer tonight..tomorrow's entry should be interesting

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

So last night was one of those evenings that I was actually able to relax. I hung out with a good friend for a bit, and she gave me a nice rug that is now nicely sitting in my living room. Once that was over, I sat down and watched the movie 16 Blocks. Now I had been warned that this movie was garbage, but I rarely heed anyone's opinion when it comes to movies. This was one instance, where I would have been wise to listen to the warnings. The movie was some hot garbage. I've seen Mos Def act in other movies(Something the Lord Made, Monster's Ball, even in Brown Sugar), but in this movie he was especially bad. Granted, the plot didn't really give him much room to grow, but on top of that he had this horrible accent that was like Flowers for Algernon meets a bad Chappelle skit. I'd be interested in knowing the director's rationale for making Mos talk like that. And Bruce Willis played an alcoholic, washed-up detective whose job it was to transport Mos the criminal from the jailhouse to the courthouse. I could go on about the movie, but there is no point. How's that for a movie review?

The other thing that mad me laugh is seeing the credits to this movie. I saw actors' name such as Bruce Willis, David Morse, etc..and then you see Mos Def. It seems to me if you want to be taken seriously as an actor, you have to use your real name. In the movie Crash, Ludacris' name was listed as Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. That way the non hip hop fans can award you a bit of respect, and the hip hop fans can say, oh THAT is his real name. Everybody wins. But when you're pushing 40, and people still refer to you as Mos Def, that seems a little problematic. I feel the same way about Ice-T, LL Cool J, Meatloaf and Sinbad. Just use your real name, and put the nickname in the middle. I'm sure they are reading this, and calling their agents right now. I think I am going to start asking folks to call me the Maestro..we'll see how that works out for me.
Incidentally, to close out the movie portion of this blog, I did see an excellent movie this weekend entitled Little Miss Sunshine. Now THAT was an hilarious movie. The cast was funny, the plot was original, and even when there was a bit of sadness, they quickly turned it into something funny. And everyone used their real name.

So tomorrow is the day my personal trainer and I start working out, and I am nervous. It's one thing to slack off on your own personal workouts, because nobody is watching and no one is pushing you or calling you out to bust your ass. But when you're paying somebody to basically be in charge of whipping your lazy ass into shape, it's an entirely different matter. Because of the filthy weather yesterday, I was able to buy myself a couple more days, but tomorrow is the big day. I have to get weighed, measured, and i'm sure I have to give a goal as to what I want to look like after our sessions conclude. To be honest, I can take or leave the weightlifting, I just want to be able to run 26 miles without stopping like Diddy and Oprah. If I can do that after these sessions, then I'll be happy. Oh and I wouldn't mind sparring for 5 rounds either, that's always been a fantasy of mine. Actually I have lots of fantasies, but that's another entry for another time.

Oh and Ms. Serena Williams has added me as one of her friends on myspace. This may seem minor, but it is the first step in a long journey that will conclude with she and I being photographed nude on some beach in Brazil, having passionate sex, while Venus watches.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The last time I sat here and typed a blog entry, it was cool, rainy and depressing outside. The weekend gave us some damn good weather and good times, and now, the next work day brings more depressing weather. I'm sure there is some kind of symmetry to that, but right now I am just not smart enough to even attempt to figure it out. Days like today, are the kindn that sick and vacation leave were created for, but I braved it out.

I learned a few things about myself over the past few days, and I've decided to comment on those things Larry King style in my blog. I've always admired Larry's writing style of basically stringing a serious of fragments together, and separating them by an impressive array of commas, semicolons and ellipses. And since I am feeling a bit lazy this morning, I thought it would be mighty black of me to steal his style. Sampling if you will..but I'm not a biter, I'm a writer...or something like that

1) It is possible for me to spend an entire holiday weekend with a woman without getting sick of her. I was pretty impressed with her and myself. I didn't want to kick her down the stairs or out of my apt at all. We laughed, we had fun, we took breaks from one another when necessary, we cooked, went to cookouts, drank, read, etc..I think her personality has more to do with it then anything. They were was no nagging, no requests for me to tell her what I was thinking 156 times a constant personal space violation, just a healthy mix of being in my face and keeping a sufficient distance. I like that

2)My vomiting streak has been halted at 6 years. I was on a Cal Ripken like pace over the past six years..I hadn't vomited, dry heaved or any of that in a long time. But yesterday morning, all of that came to a screeching halt. The combination of lots of cookout food, liquor, and 24 hour stomach virus was just too much for my poor stomach to bear. Vomiting is right up there with being kicked in the groin, and being hit in the face with a football, as one of the worst feelings to have. I felt like even my thoughts were going to come out. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was a bad bad thing

3) I believe I have social anxiety disorder (SAD henceforth) I went to a cookout on Sunday, and I was terrified of all the small talk I had to engage in, even before I walked in the door. Then, upon entering the cookout, I really only had energy to introduce myself to about 5 of the 10-15 people who were there. I just stopped short, and I gave eye contact to the rest of them, and they looked at me like..What the hell is wrong with him. It was only when other guests came in and introduced themselves to everyone, did I feel obligated to complete the introductory process. And even then, the other people were looking at me like I was crazy, but I'm not, I"m just afflicted. Once I sat down, I found myself trying to find a conversation to join. It is almost like a game of double dutch(not that I've done that, but I see things). I watched the rhythm of the conversations, and when I get a certain comfort level, I jump in. Except on this day, I never really jumped in. I would laugh at certain things as I had been a part of the convo all along, and I would nod my head in approval, but no one really heard me say anything. I felt like an autistic man, but again, it wasn't autism, it was SAD.

My only saving grace was the TV in the living room of this house. I was able to successfully gain access to the remote, and promptly turn to ESPN. Now I was in my element. I was able to talk to everyone in my field of view a sentence or two at a time, and then turn back to the TV for 15 a little more, turn to the TV, and it was at this point that I was comfortable. I got up for drinks and food, but for the most part, I stayed in that spot for 3 to 4 good hours. Sadly, I can't count on that type of advantageous atmosphere all the time, but I'll take it.

4) I can't stand folks roll their luggage everywhere. In the airport, I can understand, I do that too. But if you stand about 6'2 and weight a solid 240, and you are dragging a backpack that is smaller than your head, then that is definitely a problem. Plus when you are walking behind these people, it is easy to trip and fall, depending on how slow or fast they are walking. This is part of the lazyification(clearly not a word) of commuters.

5) I now have a personal assistant to assist me with my wardrobe, and she came thru the past two weekends. She helped me pick out brown shoes, and some shirts, so that I can at least look like I'm cool when my SAD affliction clearly indicates otherwise. I look forward to working with her in the fall/winter months

6) I am supposed to meet with my personal trainer today, and due to the weather, I am thinking of all kinds of excuses to cancel. I"ve already cancelled one time for holiday related reasons, so this would be #2. It's not that I'm not serious, its just that the rain renders me lazy and tired. I hope my prospective trainer reads this blog, and calls me to cancel, so I dont have to do it.

Oh and since I've started this blog and sang his praises at the end of July, Tiger Woods has not lost at all, and he's won like 6 million in the process. Not taking credit, just making the observation.

Friday, September 01, 2006

On my way to the train station this morning I walked past about 4 or 5 short yellow buses. Now usually I would take the opportunity to unleash a barrage of inappropriate jokes, and about 30% of the time they would actually be funny. But this morning, I happened to catch the eyes of a boy who couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. He didn't "look" like he belonged on the short yellow bus, but then again he may very well have been misdiagnosed..I really don't know. I just know he had this sad look on his face as he stared at me walking in the rain, staring at him. It just made me sad for some reason. I wonder if he realizes that he is in the "special" class already, and I also wonder if he knows the mental stress that stigma may bring on him in the future. And then I wondered if he really just has a learning disability that hasn't really been properly diagnosed. This is the DC School System after all, so it certainly isn't totally out of the realm of possibility. And then I found myself wondering if this kid got parental support at home, or was he just made to feel stupid and out of place, because he wasn't normal. Of course, the kid just could have been constipated, and all of my ruminations as to what could possibly be on his mind could be way off. I just know I saw sadness in this kid's face, and it made me sad. It also made me miss my son, but I'm not going there right now..not today at least.

It is no longer a shock to see that the US basketball team lost to Greece early this morning in the world championships. Even though they defeated Germany rather decisively just two days prior, the writing was still on the wall. The problems that the NBA is having, have migrated overseas and shown up in international ball. Defense is suspect, and no one can shoot consistently, and a good team can exploit these things, and Greece did just that. The sad part is, Argentina and Spain are better teams than Greece, so I can only imagine what they would have done to the US. All of this should make everyone appreciate the original Dream Team of 1992 that much more. They didn't just win because it was debut of pros in international ball, and they didn't just win because the rest of the world had yet to catch up. That Dream Team won, because they had some of the most talented, fundamentally sound ball players to EVER play. Jordan, Bird, Magic, a slim Barkley, Stockton, Pippen, etc..everyone on that team(except Christian Laettner) either will be or is already in the Hall of Fame. These other teams are just pretenders. In my opinion, the US needs to send an entire team over there like the Miami Heat or the Pistons..teams that are used to playing together already. It'll cut down on the bs tryout and practice time. Just my opinion though.

I'm ending today's entry with a song by Johnny Guitar Watson called "Loving You". It's been in my head, so hopefully one of you will download it, and it'll be in your head too. Here it is: