Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Yes I am writing another entry on the same damn day. I think women intentionally put you thru some kind of a test when you mess up. It would be much easier if they just said, its ok that you messed up, just try harder the next time. But nooooo..they put you thru more stuff, than the Motor Vehicles association to make sure that 1)you know how bad you hurt them 2)you know that they are truly the ones in control and 3)you don't do it again. As a man, all I can do is sit here and take my medicine, because I was wrong. But damn man how long does this have to last? When do we get back to the joking, go back and forth stuff that happens 80% of the time?

In the past, when these periods lasted too long, i would flee and do something stupid and irreversible. Now I know how it feels to sit in something, and deal with it. It's a very adult feeling, but it ain't easy. Not at all. And this isn't even major, imagine when I really mess up or say something asinine

I wish more men read and responded to my blog, because i'm quite sure all I'll get is some bullshit gloria steinem sponsored responses..I need some male solidarity right now, and I mean that in an extremele heterosexual way

Reverend Al.
After a significant hiatus, my temper made a guest appearance during last night's conversation with my ladyfriend. When you're dealing with someone long distance, the margin for error is already small. There isn't a lot of time for wasted conversation, for missed phone calls, and there damn sure isn't time for arguments that last longer than they really need to. We both have stress in our lives, but I think she is a bit better at reeling those things in than I am. That being said, I let an argument go on WAY too long last night, and even though I apologized before I got off the phone last night, I'm sure the effects of that will last a couple more days, which I absolutely hate. For the most part recently I have done a good job of suppressing those emotions that would cause problems, but I lost it last night. And when that happens, it feels like I have never truly had a hold of my its back to the drawing board. This paragraph feels like more of a personal journal, than it does a traditional blog entry. Oh well.

So tomorrow morning at this time, I will be sitting in court, trying to figure out the fate of my custody request. At the very least, if I don't get my request for cusotdy granted, I hope that I can negotiate an arrangement, where I can get my son for the entire summer from now until he leaves for college. I know this court experience is necessary, and this will allow me to make some headway that I haven't been able to make over the past few years. But the court experience in general is just a pain in the ass. I have to drive down to Hampton early in the morning, and then I very well may have to sit in court all morning and part of the afternoon, and then once my case is actually heard, it may take all of 30 minutes to resolve. But by that time, I will have been in that building for 4 to 5 hours, around god knows who. Actually, to pass the time, I think I'm going to keep a running log of my activities from the time I step into the court room, until I leave the city of Hampton. That should be interesting.

I can't say I have too much more to say this morning. I have lots on my mind related to the first two paragraphs i've already typed. So to compensate, i'll leave two songs. The original and then the current song using the original as a sample.

Sonny Lester - Green Dolphin

A Tribe Called Quest - Jazz (We've Got)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

All of this talk about Isiah Washington, and his use of a gay slur has me thinking back to a speech I gave for my public speaking class back in the 10th grade, which was in 1989. It was a persuasive speech, and my job was to convince the 10th grade minds I was speaking to, that Wheaties was a better cereal than Rice Krispies. I pointed out that Wheaties was "quiet", while Rice Krispies had that snap, crackle and pop. I pointed out that Wheaties was high in iron, which was healthy, and Rice Krispies had more sugar. And finally I pointed out that Wheaties had numerous male and female famous athletes, while Rice Krispies only had three "faggots" in hats. Now keep in mind this was 1989, before the whole gay revolution really took off, and way before it was considered inappropriate to say such a thing. The whole class, including the teacher, laughed out loud, and I got a B on the speech(my eye contact was subpar). But during her comments, my teacher did say that I was smart enough to come up with a synonym for "faggots", but at the time I really wasn't. If I said that in today's environment? At least 3 people in the class would feel like I stepped on their toes, I would be suspended, and I'm quite sure Rosie O'Donnell would come after my parents with furious vengeance. Times have changed just that quickly.

Staying on the subject of public speaking, I can't stand it at all. Although it may not outwardly show, I am extremely shy. I can mask it with self deprecating humor and quick wit, but ultimately I am shy. It is why I don't like small talk; it is why when I see folks I know in public, I avoid them at times; it is why when I see a woman I'm interested in, I don't speak to her right away; and it is ALSO why yesterday when I went to my old job, I didn't speak to everyone(sorry guys). I'm just not always comfortable holding court in front of a group of people. This makes no sense, because I've taught high school before, and I had no problems at all. But that's because I was teaching children, and they never intimidated me, because they needed knowledge from me. And during my last job, I had to speak at conferences and in front of groups, and I'd be dying of nervousness right up until I had to speak, and then I crack some jokes, and relax. But in that instance, I was getting paid to do that. If no money is at stake, and I'm not speaking in front of minors, that nervousness comes back, and I shut down. I was told I would grow out of it, but that sure as hell hasn't happened thus far. Plus, no one EVER believes me when I say I'm a bit shy. Thank god for the blog though..I feel like a star behind this computer screen.

You gotta love this article about Serena Williams. She took much criticism about being overweight, despite winning the Australian Open, and she addressed her critics in that article. My favorite quote, "I'm always going to have these knockers, and I'm always going to have this ass" All of this just increases my crush on her, despite the constant criticism I take from some of my male and female friends. Plus, most women in tennis are a step away from Kate Moss anyway, so Serena and her body will always stick out. You're alright by me Serena!!! And yes I went overboard with the pictures.

Pieces - Pieces of a Dream featuring Maxi Priest

Monday, January 29, 2007

There was a substantial delay on the train this morning, which caused there to be a crowd around my seat. Usually I leave the house too early to encounter a real crowd, but the delay messed all of that up for me today. So while I'm sitting down, about 10 people crowd around my little seat, and two of the people standing where I was sitting, were women. One woman weighed about 478 lbs, and the other looked to be about 24, and she was normal sized. My usual rule is that I give my seat up to the elderly women, the handicapped, and overweight women. But it was so crowded, that I didn't really have room to get up, so I kept sitting down. This decision brought much consternation to these two women, who started talking shit about me right in my face(I had my headphones on, so I guess they thought I couldn't hear, little did they know I turned off my IPOD, once I realized what was going on). They were saying how there used to be a time when my were gentlemen, and that I was a little kid who didn't know any better. Surprisingly, I kept my mouth shut while this slander was going on, because I knew my stop was coming. Once my stop came, I got up, and before the 478 lb woman could knock me down, I took my headphones off, pointed at the seat, and said how's that for being a gentleman, and then I headed off the train. It really isn't my fault you weigh 589 lbs, and standing up may be just the exercise your fat ass needs. Second of all, if its crowded, I am not getting up, since the chances are there are MANY people who would like to sit down, but cannot. Perhaps this was wrong, but I stand defiant in my stance.

I had quite an interesting weekend. I hung out with my friend Faye and her friend from Jersey, I hung out with family, I blew the same fuse twice in my apartment, I made a brief two minute appearance at a concert, and I stood up a friend of mine that I had made a prior commitment to(I am sorry Dana, an apology forthcometh). But the centerpiece of my weekend, was the 6 hours or so I spent at my mother's house for her birthday. I really wasn't looking forward to spending time with family, but I ended up staying much longer than I thought I would. My uncles were there, my cousins, my grandmother, etc, and it was a fun time. I've also realized that my mother needs a man in the worst way, and if I were her daughter, I"d be all over that. But since the thought of another man touching, let alone doing other stuff to my mother thoroughly disgusts me, I may have to consult my mother's girlfriends to get on their job. My mother, although very successful in her profession, is twice divorced, and VERY lonely, as anyone in their mid50s would be. It makes me very sad when I really think about it, but I know from talking to my father and others, that it is hard dating at age 50 and beyond. Not only are you set in your ways, but the places you can actually meet someone start to get smaller and smaller. I need to come up with a way to help out.

My office is right by the microwave, and as a result, everyone feels the need to bless me with small talk about their bullshit weekend, while I'm trying to type my blog, or just do my work in general. It is VERY annoying, and insulting on some level, since most people here don't talk to me any other time. I realize that I am coming off as cranky in my blog this morning, and I wish I could stop it, but I can't. I got 2 hours of sleep, it feels like Anchorage, Alaska outside, and I feel a cold coming on..oh and I wouldn't mind about 3 and a half hours of sex and massages(thats a cry for help rosslyn).

Thursday is my custody hearing date, and I'm getting nervous..I should type more about this, but its not in me right now. Perhaps later..

Bilal - Better With Time

Friday, January 26, 2007

As I sat in the barber shop yesterday, there was talk of one particular barber who had gotten married over the weekend. He had been with his girlfriend for nearly 4 years, and they decided to finally tie the knot, and according to the other barbers there, it was quite a moving experience. But then the conversation quickly shifted to another barber(Tony) who attended the wedding with his girlfriend of 9 years. This couple had never been particularly moved to get married, but once she went to this wedding, all of a sudden she was singing quite a different tune. Now, she not only wanted to get married, but she was using her attendance at THIS wedding to gain ideas. As you can imagine, Tony was not only thrown for a loop, but he was a bit scared. So, when his girl asked him when he could they could get married, he responded that he was not ready because he was in "thought training". As he told this story, the rest of the barbers wanted to know what the hell thought training was. And Tony eloquently explained to us, that he told his girlfriend, that he could not marry her until he mentally prepared his mind for marriage...thus the term thought training. Now at this point, he made it seem like that explanation went over like a charm, and I sincerely doubt that. But I liked the expression "thought training", so I will now try to work it into my daily lexicon. I'm scheduled to attend a wedding this year with my ladyfriend, so that should be interesting..

So today is my mother's 55th birthday (yeah I said it), and tomorrow is her party. I need to buy a birthday card for the occasion, and it got me to thinking, what is the correct amount of time to keep a card once it has been given to you. Usually when I receive a card I do the following:
1)Rip open the envelope
2)Ignore the printed words Hallmark has written
3)Ignore the Love _____ that whoever gave me the card has written
4)Shake the card like Beyonce shakes her ass in this video to see if the card has money, a gift card or racy pictures
5)Go back and read the words of both Hallmark and the card giver
6)Give a fake ass thank you and hug
7)Plot my disposal of the card

But at some point the guilt kicks in, and I never throw the card away. I just accumulate cards for no good reason. With the exception of the last birthday card my grandmother gave me before she died, I really have the need to save them. I've never sat around my house thinking, you know today is a read-my-old-cards kind of day. That simply doesn't happen. Plus, most people are so lazy, they don't even bother writing their own message, which is just bad business. Any fool can buy a card, and sign it..but this ain't a yearbook, this is a card for someone you allegedly care about. So why not write a message from the heart, and gain the respect and TRUE admiration from the card recipient. I know for a fact that on a couple occasions me writing my own card, was a contributing factor to me getting some sweet lovin'. Try it kids!

By the way, I have on rum and cake today, and I've gotten two compliments and it is only 7:57 am. Go get you some, and I'm not saying that just because I know the owner. I say it because it is good stuff.

Oh, and I miss Tony Toni Tone. Right before I went to sleep this video came on, and I got all nostalgic thinking back to my college days when they were at their peak. Bands like that don't really stay together for too long, because someone ends up pursuing a solo career, and then never really are the same after that. Mint Condition is the exception to that rule, but the 3 Tonys had them beat by a bit in my book. I think I'll go out and buy all of their cds now.

I've been sending my brother two songs at a time all week. I send him a song, and then I send him the original song that was sampled, and its actually pretty cool. So i'll do end the blog by doing the same thing here:

Q-Tip - Let's Ride

Joe Pass - Giant Steps

Thursday, January 25, 2007

As I promised myself last week before my birthday extravaganza began, I attempted to step to the homeless fellow I've been mildly stalking since April of last year. My plan was to give him more money than anyone else, invite him out to a meal(nothing too extravagant), talk to him over this meal, and figure out what I could do, if anything, to assist his situation. It sounded like a good enough plan, and I left out of work with confidence that this plan could be executed without a hitch. But I was wrong. I gave the brother money, and then I attempted to ask him if he wanted a meal, and he kept shaking his cup and asking for money, and mumbling other words I really couldn't make out. Someone suggested to me a while back, that he may have a mental illness, and that may very well be the case. No matter what I said, he kept saying I need some change can you help me out. This may have been his way of saying he needed more money, but this ain't the blackjack table, and I damn sure wasn't hitting him with more. As I walked away, I heard him say over and over again to other who walked by, i need some change can you help me out. When I gave the situation some additional thought, I remembered that most of my productive interactions with this dude have come in the morning, but I was unable to find him this morning. I'm not giving up yet, and I damn sure am not moving on to another homeless person, because I feel like(despite him blowing me off) that I estalished some kind of bond with this dude. You know part of me feels real creepy about this whole thing..I don't want to stalk this man, I just want to talk, but I may need to let it go. I am going to try one more time.

I think I may have let a hint of jealousy come over me yesterday while dealing with my ladyfriend. She was talking about her day, and an ex of hers she used to deal with contacted her, and then we briefly discussed her upcoming trip to Vegas, and I felt myself getting mildly annoyed, then all out jealous, and I acted out just a bit, but I was able to reel myself in, before it got out of hand. Plus, a friend of mine told me that jealousy is normal in any relationship, but it should be fleeting, not something that simmers and eventually boils over. This woman is the only one who can bring out that type of jealousy in me, and I need to check it. By the way, this paragraph is cathartic for me so bear with me. And one more thing..yesterday I mentioned that THE worst birthday I ever had came at the hands of my ladyfriend when she didn't get me a damn thing..I neglected to mention, that back in 2001, she also was responsible for one of my best birthdays, when she blindfolded me(not for kinky least not initially) and took me to a hotel with a jacuzzi, fed me fruit, wings, and allowed me to watch sportscenter at the same time. GOOD TIMES!!

Friday is my mother's birthday, and she is having a birthday party to celebrate this and my uncle's birthday on Saturday. I have lots of family coming in from out of town, and I am not looking forward to this event at all. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but just not for long periods of time. Usually when I go visit family, I am only in town for a day or two, so its the equivalent of looking at the sun. I get in, take a quick peek, feel the warmth, and then I roll out. Everyone wins, they see me, I see them, and I'll see them in another year. Usually I have my brother with me, so that allows me to crack jokes with him, and it doesn't make the experience quite as bad. No such luck for me this Saturday. The party is from 3-9, and since its my mother's birthday, I have to put in some serious time WITHOUT my brother who has the ideal excuse of having a wife and a new born at home. I have three events I could possible use an excuses to bail early: 1)a concert 2) a party thrown by this non profit I work with and 3) a birthday party of an ex co-worker. But there is always a distinct possibility thatI could be stuck at my mom's house all night.

Oh, if you're looking for something good to read, check out my friend Faye's blog.

Groove is in the Heart - Dee Lite

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Well after a wonderful extended birthday weekend filled with stripclubs, drinking, nice dinners, a scenic New Mexico, sex and other fun activities, it is back to work, and I"m not loving it at all. The good part of all this is that last night I finally got a decent night sleep. No interruptions, no crazy dreams, just good solid sleep, so I can't even complain that I'm tired or anything like that. Its back to paying bills, working and trying to find a routine that doesn't involve me being around my ladyfriend who I miss already (I believe I hear a collective awwwww from the crowd). She really made sure I had a good time and a good birthday, and I was appreciative. A few years ago, when we were together and she was mad at me, she didn't get me anything for my birthday, and I made sure everyone within earshot knew it. She more than redeemed herself this year.

Since I was travelling all day yesterday, I didn't get a chance to write about the strip club experience from Monday night. The strip club my lady and I went to on Monday night, is the one we should have initially gone too. The women in there, while still not built the way I'd like strippers to be built, were much better to look at it. I got lap dances from a woman who appeared to be about 6'3, a woman with no breasts, but with ass for days, and a talented young lady named Copper who gave my ladyfriend and I lapdances at the same time, and let me tell you, that was a beautiful thing. She danced with me, while she stared and felt up my lady, and it was good. And that's as much detail as I'll go into right now. I'm not in birthday mode anymore. I am well aware that some people reading may be like, what kind of perverts are they, and how can they do that..and I invite all to kiss my black ass twice. My lady and I are comfortable with it, and outside of that, it doesn't really matter now does it. That being said, my strip club days are numbered. It gets boring after awhile, and all I wanted to do the whole time was have sex, and I can do that without the damn strippers.

I actually watched a bit of the State of the Union address last night. For all he's been through, you gotta admire Bush's arrogance at this point. He made no apologies for his Iraq policy, and he made a bunch of proposals for issues that he knows damn well he won't be able to accomplish in his remaining tenure. I guess he's relying on the next leader in the Republican party to pick up where he leaves off, and as of today, no Republican has emerged as that leader...yet. By the way, I came up with yet another drinking game for that State of the Union address. If I had a shot for everytime he received an applause, I'd be checking into Betty Ford right about now. Bush would adjust his tie, and everyone(especially Cheney and Condi Rice) would leap out of their seats like Lebron James, and applaud. And I wonder who's idea it was to put Obama and Hilary so close together..that was pretty funny. I hope the dumbasses who never vote, are paying close attention here. Now, more than any other time, we actually have a chance to influence politics. The election is wide open, and it enables voters to really study what the candidates are saying, and make an intelligent decision. But to sit back and just say, it doesn't matter they are all corrupt is just not smart. There's "good" corrupt, and then there's "Bush" corrupt, and if I'm left with those 2 options I'll take the former all day long. I just wish a leader from my party would emerge, to offset all this negative press that's been out there since the election.

Speaking of corrupt, I just spoke of politics and strippers in the same blog..i'm sure there's a smart joke in there somewhere, but i'm not smart enough to pull it out right now..

Inner City Blues - Marvin Gaye

Monday, January 22, 2007

I had a damn good birthday, although it went nothing like I planned it, and I don't even mind. Not at all. My ladyfriend lost her driver's license, so that prevented us from going to another strip club and even a casino, and I kind of surprised myself, because I was not upset. In fact, I had to comfort my ladyfriend who was more disappointed than I was, because she felt like she had let me down. So what did we do? My ladyfriend, her son and I went to the grocery store, went to the library, went to a damn good Brazilian restaurant, and we all had a fun time. I even laughed it off when the Brazillian servers came to our table to sing a corny song. My ladyfriend and I ended the night by drinking margaritas and talking. So what did I learn? I can compromise a little more than I thought I could, and it makes it easier to do when you have a woman you love. And yes that's sappier than I usually get in my blog, but that's how I feel.

I'm actually still here in New Mexico debating on whether to stay longer. The weather isn't great, but I can't even lie and say that's the reason. I'm actually enjoying not having any real responsibility, and I know as soon as I return, it is back to the daily grind. I wouldn't mind avoiding it a little while longer. And my ladyfriend's son reminds me of myself when I was his age. He's very standoffish and extremely cynical, and every now and then he'll open up, only to return to his cocoon shortly thereafter. I know it frustrates his mother, but I can definitely relate. It makes me wonder if my son will be that type of young man, or will he adopt a different type of personality.

Today is January 22nd, and from today until February 4th, when the Super Bowl is played, you'll hear countless stories about the significance of two black coaches being there for the first time. It is a big deal, and the importance of this cannot be stressed enough. But as I heard Tom Jackson from ESPN say today, it also must be stressed that both of these men are class acts all the way around. They don't yell, they don't show up their players in public, and they are very humble, while possessing that quiet, yet strong desire to win and win often. Oh and by the way, they are good coaches. I hope that is mentioned in the same breath as their race.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Well, my strip club experience with my ladyfriend was wack. We went to two different strip clubs, and never in my life have i ever seen so many flat asses. Most of these women were built like adolescents, which is not at all arousing. Not even the 4 shots of tequila I had could make the experience better. My ladyfriend did buy me a lap dance, and even that was kind of disappointing, because the woman kept talking through the entire dance, and she wasnt completely naked, although her breasts were nice. The best part of the entire night, was spending time with my ladyfriend. We laughed, joked around, looked for women to give HER dances, and everything. And the highlight of the evening, was when one of the dancers came up to her, jiggled her breasts, and then squeezed her ass. Yes I am a perverted man, but dammit it was my birthday, so I can do that. The locals here were telling my lady and I that we werent even at the best strip club, so tonight by ladyfriend and I will hit that one. I will also be going to dinner, I am going to a college track meet, and at some point I will try to figure out how to use this damn IPOD. I need a tutorial or something.

oh, and I finally saw snow..not in DC, but Albuquerque of all places. Go figure..

And today is my 32nd birthday...

Friday, January 19, 2007

Hello Blog family (fam for short). i am currently in new mexico with my ladyfriend, and i have been here for a few hours. I have had a 2 martinis, I have received my IPOD as a gift, so I am floating on cloud 9, and it is only 4pm. A more insightful blog entry will come after tonight's festivities....

Thursday, January 18, 2007

At first I was going to have a party at a club, and then I switched it to having a get together at a bowling alley/sports bar, but finally I have settled in on going out of town for my birthday, which is how I like it best. My boys gave me flack (as is their job) for selling them out, but considering we can and will hang out on any weekend, it isn't so bad. So I've decided to go out to New Mexico for a few days to spend time with my ladyfriend. She has numerous things planned for me, and most of them she won't tell me, which I can take. But one of the things she DID tell me about is her plans to take me to a strip club. Now, I really am not a strip club kind of man, and before you put the gay label on me, allow me to explain. My ego has a hard time paying someone to shake their ass in my face and on my lap..if I'm on my game, and I'm giving 110%(or 1000% as Shaq said last night), I should be able to get a woman to do that for free, in the privacy of my own home. Plus, strip clubs are filled with dudes who are all trying to get the attention of a few women..the ratios are all out of wack. Am I overthinking? Yes. But still..that's what I do. That being said, the prospect of going to a strip club with my ladyfriend is intriguing for many many reasons, but I'll spare you the dirty details. I was hesistant to do this at first, but now I'm hyped. This 32nd birthday should be quite memorable indeed.

I do not understand how cable companies get away with giving you a 3 hour window to fulfill their obligation to you. I left work early for cable appointment, and I was told that they would be at my house between 2 and 5 pm. So I left work at 1pm, ran an errand, and then I was in my house safely by 1:45. I took a nap, I listened to my brand spanking new Miles and Coltrane box set, I talked to my ladyfriend, my dad, and another friend of mine, and before I knew it, the 5:00 hour had come and gone. I didn't get a courtesy call saying they were running late or anything. When I called them, they made it seem like I was being unreasonable, and they casually told me that they should be at my house soon. No auxillary time was given, just a vague "soon". What kind of bullshit is that? when you go to the doctor's office, or an attorney's office, or even an interview, they give you an exact time, and you are expected to adhere to it. If you miss the appointment, you can often times be fined, or you'll be forced to reschedule(pronounced Shed-dule with a Bri-tish accent). But the cable company can just run roughshod over my time, and I'm expected to get over it? That's not fair. Of course I tried to bitch and moan, but it got me nowhere.

I caught a bit of Inside the Actors Studio last night, as he does every show, James Lipton ended with ten questions, that I've decided to tackle in this here blog.

What is your favorite word? willy-nilly
What is your least favorite word? cunt
What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? watching a woman get dressed in the morning or watching it snow
What turns you off? Loud people
What is your favorite curse word? bitch-ass motherfucker
What sound or noise do you love? The sound of John Coltrane's saxophone
What sound or noise do you hate? babies crying
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? an NBA referee
What profession would you not like to do? airplane bathroom cleaner
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Thank you

Falling - Jamiroquai

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

So last night, I attempted to center my entire evening around a college basketball game. Maryland and Virginia squared off on UVa's campus, and I must say I was actually excited about watching it on television. The first part of the basketball season, most major college teams beat up on substandard teams in an effort to get their confidence up. Once January comes around, teams are playing other teams within their conference, and the real competition begins. Plus, every year, I participate in March Madness, and in an effort to be informed, I have to catch some games. The problem is, that Maryland/Virginia game could not keep my attention. 1) The announcers were just terrible. There was way too much talking going on, and since I am a sports "head" I really don't need too much commentary. In fact, I frequently watch sporting events with the mute button on, while listening to music. 2) I don't know who the players are anymore. So many kids leave early for the NBA, that I can't establish a bond with the players. I remember when I was young, I would get college bball magazines, and I was able to follow players from their senior year of high school right up until their last year of college, and I established "ties" with the players. Now players appear and are gone just as quickly. As a result, I could not keep my attention on this game. I got on the phone, I read the paper, and eventually, I got in the bed and went to sleep, because the game made me tired. I'm still a sports enthusiast and all, but damn..I need more excitement.

Speaking of sports, I do this thing, where I gamble against my team, most recently the Philadelphia Eagles. Why do I do this? Because if my team wins, I may lose money, but I get the satisfaction of seeing my team play another day, and there's no harm done. But if my teams loses and I've bet against them, at least I have been financially compensated for my pain. I have also turned sex down to watch a sporting event. When my son was younger, and I used to take him back to his mother a day early, so I could watch sports without babysitting. I've also gone out to bars, and ignored women around me, because I was so focused on watching and studying a specific game. That's a sad state affairs, but welcome to the twisted mind of a sports fan.

My mother came up to my job yesterday to give me my early birthday gift(January 20th if you didn't know), and while we were sitting in the car, the homeless man, who I frequently mention in my blog walked by. Now my mother doesn't read the blog(for obvious reasons), so I had to give her a quick summary of my "relationship" with the homeless man, including my desire to interview him. I struck it as a bit odd that here I am in my mother's warm car, describing my desire to interview a man who is trudging along in the bitter cold, trying to be warm...I bet the last thing on his mind is an interview from a man who can't even accept sex over sports. Anyway, a homeless woman walked by the car, and my mother asked me why I didn't interview her. Almost on cue, this woman started yelling out something that I did not understand, and I looked at my mother and said see, you can't just pick a homeless person out all willy nilly. It takes much preparation and scouting. Anyway, I'm interviewing this guy next week I have decided. I'll think of a plan this week, schedule it with him next, and get this done. And I know I'm semi-joking around about his situation here, but I'm serious about this.

And yeah i woke up at 4am again this morning, but this time I was lucky. Not only was I able to hear my neighbors having noisy sex, but I also was able to hear an ambulance down the street from my house for some reason. Good times indeed.

Rain Dance by Jeff Lorber.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

At first I thought it was just a fleeting problem, but no I'm starting to realize that me waking up between 4:30 and 5am EVERY morning, has become a way of life. I've tried going to bed at before 11, 'round midnight, and one time I even stayed up until damn near 2am, and I still seem to wake up at that same time. I know my grandmother used to get up at an insane hour and listen to gospel music all morning(that's so not going to happen here), and my father gets up early in the morning, and does God knows what. Me myself(i vowed to never use this combo), when I wake up, I tend to read, I listen to sports talk radio, or I just stare at my genitals pondering when they will be in some non self action. But it starting to get played out at this point, and I need a solution, remedy or something.

My ladyfriend(I learned this term from my friend Cliff's dad a long time ago. He described his lady, as his ladyfriend, and I always thought that was so distinguished. Girlfriend is juvenile, "my bitch" is offensive, and my "friend" is a bit too ambiguous. Ladyfriend is just right), told me the other day that my blog is my girl(she's not hip to ladyfriend phenomenon). She said I stay faithful to it, I check up on it, and I sometimes think about it even when I am away from it. To a certain degree that is true; however, my blog has never gotten on top of me and rode me like Barbaro. Also, this blog gives me far fewer problems, than the ones women can possibly cause. If I see something I don't like, I can hit the delete button sans consequences. If I do that with a woman, the next thing you know she's calling your phone non stop, sending you dirty emails, or trying to get in your house uninvited. Seriously though, from time to time, I am impressed that I have actually stayed consistent with this. There were MANY years when I couldn't even maintain a personal journal. I'd write a few things down, then take weeks and weeks off, and then revisit. In fact yesterday while cleaning up my house, I found some entries. I write way better now anyway.

So what did I do for Martin Luther King Day? Not a damn thing, and I feel bad about it. There was a Peace Walk in Southeast DC, that I thought about going to for a minute, but I changed my mind. I also tried to find this speech that King gave back in 1968, when he basically said, forget all this civil rights stuff, let's get money and political power (which would make him a Republican in today's world), but I couldn't find where I put that. So I did nothing but watch tv and think of him. However, I DO hope that both Indianapolis and Chicago advance to the Super Bowl since they both have black coaches. That would be a first..I'm sure Dr. King would be happy that I put positive thought towards that. I should be ashamed..and I take nothing away from the man, because he was brilliant and brave..and my bravery is something that I've yet to really test. But damn I've been celebrating this holiday since '83, sometimes I run out of stuff to do, so thinking of him isn't so bad is it? I sound ignorant right now, I need to do better.

My Flame - Bobby Caldwell

Friday, January 12, 2007

This is a picture of my brother and I getting ready to go a soccer game back in 1984. I was 9, my brother was 6, and you couldn't tell us that we weren't the shit. I was a star on my soccer team, and my brother was an up and comer on his team. Why do I mention this? Because yesterday, before I left work, I noticed that Mr. David Beckham, formerly of the Real Madrid soccer team in Europe, had signed a 5 year, 250 million dollar contract, to play soccer for the LA Galaxy here in the states. People in the know, understand that Beckham is in downside of his career, and his signing is more of an attempt by Major League Soccer to inject some life into the American soccer scene. And it will work eventually. But still 250 million dollars for 5 years? Instantly I thought back to my soccer heyday, and then I thought about this picture, and what could have been. I could have been the black David Beckham(aka Pele). Now I see why parents push their kids to become athletes, and young Carlton, if you're reading this be afraid..very afraid. I'm taking my parenting skills to a fantatic type level if that what it takes for you to bring me..i mean us, 250 mill.

The war of words going on in my comments section yesterday was pretty damn a degree. Jo asked me not publish her initial rebuttal, and I should have listened, because the back and forth was a bit extra to say the least. People will have opinions, and for the most part I don't delete those, because I'm curious about what folks have to say about what I write, that was part of the reason for creating this damn blog. But I guess I should draw the line, when people start talking to each other and not me directly. 1)I'll be goddamned if Jo and the fearless Anonymous poster steal the show from me like they're Jennifer Hudson, and I'm Beyonce(that's a borderline ghey reference i know). 2)The selfish part of me hates anonymous posters, because I have to rack my brain to figure out who the hell it is (although I think I know). But anyway, even as I type this I feel like this is petty; however, given the week I've already had, I should not be at all surprised. Oh, and as my old college professor used to tell me, if you're in the middle of a heated argument with someone, PLEASE make sure you spell all your words correctly. If you break out an "agreeance" or an "intropection" it takes away from the effectiveness just a bit.

This morning, I am going to apply for a job with the Washington City Paper. I read this morning that they are hiring staff writers, and they want both resumes and writing samples submitted. Usually I'd see something like that, and talk myself out of taking any action, because believe it or not, I am very self conscious about my writing. Its part of the reason I don't read my writing over, after submitting it. I can think my way out of writing just about anything, so its better for me to be impulsive with it. So this morning, I am assembling some writing samples to send in to the paper. I could conceivably keep my day job here at Dept. of Justice, and still write for the paper, which would absolutely be splendid(said in an Bri-tish accent). I read that paper every week, and I am always critical of it, so why not try and join and be part of the problem?? Plus, GQ never responded to my brilliant idea to add a monthly sports section to their publication. I need a new challenge.

This is the song that Mike Tyson used to come out to before his boxing matches. The beat is sinister, 2pac is spitting venom, and this also happens to be an excellent song to workout too.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I did not watch George Bush's address to the nation last night, and I feel bad about it. As critical as I have been of other people who are seemingly apolitical, how dare I skip one of the more anticipated speeches in recent history. Well I'll tell you why..1)the full transcript of his speech is not only in the newspaper today, but it also all over the next, and I can print it out and read it. 2)I watched the nightly news prior to his speech, and I pretty much knew what Bush was going to say. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made, i'm sending more troops to end this war, and trust me dammit, I know what I'm doing. I didn't need to watch the address to know that. I still wish more presidential speeches were done in impromptu fashion. I'd DEFINITELY watch then..its no fun watch a President read a speech that some speechwriter carefully crafted for him. That's like tracing over a drawing someone has already sketched. I jokingly told my friend yesterday, that the only reason to watch the speech, would be to play the George Bush drinking game. How does that go? Everytime Bush blinks, someone must take a shot of something. I guarantee all parties would be nice and toasty in even a 20 minute span.

Well its been two days since I've made my decision to get back with my ladyfriend, and I still feel good about it. My friend Nina weighed in on my situation last night, and she told me that what I did to my old friend was pretty shady, but she was definitely happy that I had made the "right" decision. I can't say that the opinions of my friends would cause me to change my mind, but I definitely care and listen to what they have to say. Six months from now, I wonder how I will look at this situation. I'm at peace right now though. But I'm still nervous about this big step.

I definitely need to learn how to speak Spanish and quickly. It is frustrating to be sitting on the train, or in the Subway by my barbershop, and not know and understand what is being said. If it was German or Japanese, I'd be more willing to concede defeat, because one doesn't really hear those languages too least I don't. But I hear someone speaking Spanish each and every day, and all I can do is look at body language and voice inflections to figure out what they might be saying, and its frustrating. For all i know, they could be saying "Die Nigger Die", and all I can do is furrow by brow and smile. I'm buying a dictionary and taking some classes on the side to correct this problem. Plus, when I finally do return to teaching, I could clean up financially by being a bilingual teacher. But that isn't even my motivation, I just want to understand what's being said around me. Plus it always fascinates me during the Olympics, that so many athletes from around the world know English. I mean sure they butcher the language worse than Magic Johnson ever could, but still they make an effort to know the key words in the language. Americans don't quite make that same effort, and I include myself in that group. So I'm bucking the trend.

I think this is the beginning of the end for my main man Barry Bonds. You can't repeatedly deny you ever took steroids, and then come up positive for another drug, it just is not a good look. I usually defend Barry, because I like his defiance, and I think he's talented with or without the steroids, but now its kind of difficult to do. And now when he passes the great Hank Aaron's homerun record no one will care, because everyone assumes(with good reason) that Bonds cheated. It's a sad state of affairs..if this were a sports blog, I'd elaborate, but its not..

Ain't No Sunshine-Jackson 5

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I edited that post I wrote yesterday, which is something I vowed to never do, but considering the nature of the post, it was necessary. I was operating on pure emotion when I typed that entry yesterday, and although I stand by each and every thing that I said, it isn't always just about me(surprise right?). I had not talked to my friend that I was seeing before I posted that blog yesterday, and that was NOT a smart move. That caused me some very uncomfortable moments yesterday, and for that I am truly sorry. Contrary to what was said to me yesterday on a more than one occasion, I do not like drama, and I damn sure don't like confrontation. Unfortunately for me, apparently I don't like to think things thru, which can cause problems. But, the bottom line here is that I'm about to make things work this woman, and there's no way in hell it will be easy, because it hasn't been all this time. But i'm willing to be open to trying. Enough of that shit now.

My friend told me yesterday that had I not messed up and told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore, she would have given me this as a birthday gift. I'm mad I missed out on that, but I was told from a very reliable source that I may get a regular sized one for my birthday, so I may get one after all. I think I'm the only person on earth who doesn't have one, and considering how much music I have it is long overdue. Plus this will allow me to workout and travel freely without having to lug a big discman around all the time. This paragraph is the first of many attempt to divert attention away from what I posted yesterday. I wonder if its working.

I had yet another proud daddy moment two nights ago when I talked to my son. I had missed a bit of the Florida/Ohio State football game, and I asked my son what had happened, and he proceeded to break down what I missed, who scored, and all that. And he did it in such an efficient manner, and I just smiled. To me, THAT is the reason why you have kids, to hear stuff like that. Actually , i'm sure there are other valid reasons, but that's all I needed to hear yesterday.

Other observations this morning:
-My hands are incredibly ashy this morning. I believe I have mentioned this before, but there needs to be chapstick made for the hands. That way I could just roll it over the ashy spots..

-Whenever you are having a tough day, it is nice to be able to talk to friends. but it is REALLY nice to be able to talk to your boys. If I let other folks listen to some of the things we say, and the way that we say them, i'm quite sure they would be appalled. But damn if it isn't cathartic.

-since i am going to be in this relationship with rosslyn, i have some friends I need to cut back. i have some friends who's opinions i value, and then i have a few friends who i'd try to get with if they left a door open, and that's just wrong..well now it is. three days ago it was all good..hahaha(and yes i'm really laughing). anyway, this will be nipped in the bud (if you're counting at home, this is like the fif time i've used an expression that I really don't understand the meaning behind).

-The year is 10 days old, and already its been quite interesting. i have a feeling this will settle down a bit now.

-if this blog does turn into a book, this will certainly be interesting. Real World doesn't have shit on me.

-I have a degree in English, yet yesterday, while talking to a friend of mine, I used the word "agreeance". I am deeply ashamed.

Here's an instrumental that you can listen to, and hopefully it'll be stuck in your head the way its been in mine this morning.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I stopped avoiding my ex yesterday, after an entire weekend of dodging her. And when I did meet up with her we talked, argued, drank, laughed, and all that good stuff. And then she dropped a bomb on me by telling me something personal, which was one of the major reasons why she wanted to see me. Whenever you're dealing with someone, you never in a million years think that you're going to hear something like what she told me. My first thought honestly, was that I wanted to be with her..of course that would make a lot of my friends upset, and one friend in particular would be hurt, but that's what came to mind. And then my second thought was that if I did that, it would be out of pity, and even my ex says that pity is not what she wants or needs. So then my third thought, feels a lot like my first one..I can think of a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be with this woman, but also reasons why I should. I know this logic may be flawed, and I know that once I hit publish on this entry, I will get mad criticism, but I'm ready for that. That's one of the hazards of writing a blog..people read and have their opinions, and I am certainly cool with that. And not to sound overly defensive, but I am a grown man, and PART of being grown is making tough decisions and then living with them(see jolanda I do listen to you). So I'm making one today..yes Rosslyn is my ex for a reason as my friend Aisha and others have said, but I also love her for a reason. Those who know me pretty much know that I've never really completely shaken her and yes I have tried....REAL HARD. But I'm getting back with her, and making all the sacrifices that go with it.

There's no way I'm proofreading this. And yes other things happened to me yesterday, involving my son, my mother, etc, but i'm not discussing that shit right now. This is at the top of the list.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Usually I end my blogs with a song, but today, I'm going to start with one that accurately captures my mood on this sluggish, rainy morning. It's called Days Gone By by Moe Koffman.. Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend. And it went as follows:

On Friday I went with my friend to see the movie The Good Shepherd. Yes the movie is very long, but the cast was excellent, and the plot took enough unexpected turns to keep me very interested. Every now and then I like to see character driven movies, and this is one of those movies. Actors like Matt Damon, John Turturro and even Robert Deniro (who directed the movie) were given ample chance to shine.

Saturday, I went to the Georgetown/Notre Dame game with an old boss of mine, and that too was fun. The seats weren't all that great, but it was nice to catch up once again. Also, while at the game, I saw the new Speaker of the House, Ms. Nancy Pelosi, so that was a pleasant surprise. And then the next morning, on CBS, I saw a lengthy interview with Ms. Pelosi, so that was pretty interesting. I'm curious to see how Bush will co-exist with an assertive woman, who's name is not Rice, especially since she's asking Bush to do some pretty radical things. Saturday afternoon, I had the opportunity to walk around DC with my friend, taking pictures with this high-tech camera that I barely knew how to use. I do not at all have the "eye" for photography, but I think I held my own. Once I get these developed, I plan on posting them on this here blog, and open myself up for lots of wonderful criticism. I think I more than held my own though.

And I finished up my Saturday by watching football at Lucky Strikes, which doubles as a sports bar and a bowling alley. The NFL playoffs were on, so there was no way in hell that I was bowling, so I ate(healthy I might add) and watched the game. My waitress at Lucky Strikes quite possibly gave me the worst service I have ever received in my life. There were at least 20-30 minutes between her visits to the table, which would be cool if we kept telling her everything was fine. But every time she visited the table, requests were being made..I needed a glass of wine, silverware, a new drink, more water, the bill, etc..and she was taking entirely too long. And then I noticed her just talking to people around the restaurant, just lollygagging along, completely ignoring not just my table, but ones around her. So the only tip she got was a little note that I wrote on the bottom of the bill, which said in very sloppy handwriting, "Next time, please try to be more attentive". I'm sure the next time I go there, she'll have nothing but smiles for me and my guest(s).

Friday, January 05, 2007

While dining in my favorite Ethiopian restaurant yesterday, I noticed that one of James Brown's kids, and Al Sharpton were on the Larry King show. Now I usually don't watch Larry King show, because much like Jay Leno, he doesn't challenge the people who come on his show at all. His show is basically a soapbox, for which the guests to stand on and talk about whatever the hell they want. I like hosts who challenge their guests just a bit like Bryant Gumbel, Bill O'Reilly(i can't stand him, but he makes his guests work), and even David Letterman who doesn't just let his guests run all over him. Anyway, since the television was on mute, I decided to let my eyes fixate on the pictures and closed captions. During the interview, they kept cutting away to the creepy picture of James Brown's dead body in the Apollo Theatre. So while looking at that creepy thing, I found myself wondering what I would want my funeral to be like. And no I'm not overly morbid, suicidal, or anything like that, but the stark reality is I will die, and I will have a funeral. So when I do, here is how I want it to go.

One, the casket better be closed. I will designate someone before I die, to make sure the casket is closed, sealed and whatever else. No need to scare anyone. Two, I don't anyone singing at my funeral, because that just leads to a big cry fest, and since technically dying involves me going "home", no tears should be shed. Three, completely contradicting what I just said earlier, I want all of my exes there with their cleavage out falling all over my casket..granted they will be older, so their cleavages will be large, and Aretha Franklin like, but I want them there nonetheless..even if they are married. Fourth, I want my son, my brother and my parents if they are still living(God forbid at that point) to speak..but they are limited to 5 minutes, and that constraint will only need to be applied to my mother who can talk ANYONE under the table(yet another expression that I use, but don't know what it means). And finally, I want two songs played at my funeral. Naima by John Coltrane would be first. This is a slow ballad, and it allow those in attendance to reflect on my ass. And then, to end the celebration, I would want Luchini by Camp Lo. This is completely opposite of the Coltrane song..its festive, its happy, although no one alive really knows the words to that damn song. Still, its a feel good type song. What kind of jackass spend two paragraphs talking about his funeral....apparently I am.

Talk about a tale of two friend got back from her winter vacation the same day that I learn that my ex of 6 years is in town for the weekend. The big man upstairs is having a field day with me, and the year is only 5 days old. I'm on top of things I'm to the point now, that when I make a decision, I can hear each one of my friend's voices telling me what the right thing is to do. One friend's voice resonates a bit louder than all of the other by far(hey Jo!)


Thursday, January 04, 2007

Just a quick update. Yesterday when I left work, I saw the homeless man that I have allegedly been "stalking". I guess he went to another area of DC, did a bit of exploring, and then decided to come back to what he knew. Not only was he out there asking for money again, but he was having a conversation with an attractive woman who apparently knew him. Good times indeed. I didn't have any cash to spare at the time, but I will do just that today. I still want to talk to him at length, but it was suggested that I just leave the man alone, unless I'm prepared to help him. But the way I sees it(yes, sees), perhaps interviewing him, writing about him, and then showing him the final product could lift him up. Or better yet, perhaps someone else would read his story, and be able to help him to find a more advantegous situation. You just never know how these things will go.

It is amazing to me how different my son's mother and I are, even 10 years later. She's 6 years my junior, so maybe its a maturity issue, but I really think the larger issue is that we were raised differently. She has a small minded mentality, while I attempt to see the bigger picture. Differences make the world go 'round and all that jazz, but when you're attempting to raise a son, it just leads to headaches and frustration. Plus, right now, she has custody, which means she values her husband's opinion more than mine. I just have to grin and bear it for now, but at times it can be trying. I also hate the right now, I cannot write about this in a free flowing and honest nature, per my legal counsel. I feel stifled man.

The blog is the first thing I do when get to the computer. Even before I check email(personal and work), and sit down and write so that I hurry up and get all my thoughts and feelings out in the open before I "lose" them. So yesterday, I blogged, and then I checked my email, the my phone messages, and i noticed something. Three people I used to talk to at some point last year, had contacted me. One wanted to say hello, wish me a happy new year, and explain some things that we had left hanging. The second one wanted to bitch and moan a bit about me ignoring her when I saw her, she wanted to know that she missed talking to me, and that I needn't be so cold to her. And the last one, just wanted to say hi and she wanted me to edit a document for her. Three different people, three different "agendas" if you will, and three different "tests"...(and yes i'm abusing the quotations..if I was talking I'd use air quotes). Since I was fasting yesterday, I wondered if this happened for a reason, and then I wondered if I was simply trying to make a lot of it because I was fasting looking for justification. And then I stopped thinking. I emailed or talked to each one of the calls, and all of them were pleasant. I have no clue what my point is right now.

I recently bought Nas' new CD, and it was actually pretty good. I made the mistake most fans did, of expecting him to drop another Illmatic, but that simply is not realistic. That's like asking Michael Jackson to make a Thriller everytime, and that isn't fair either. That being said, the Nas is pretty solid, and I haven't stopped playing it since I bought, which is more than I can say for Jay-Z's CD. Anyway, here is my favorite song off the Cd, entitled Still Dreaming. It features Nas, Kanye West and some new singer named Chrisette Michelle.

By the way, I work with this woman that looks JUST like Clinton Portis of the Washington Redskins..and I mean JUST like. Creepy, creepy stuff.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

So yesterday I had my physical, and I got violated man. Big time. I finally had my prostate exam, and it simply was not cool at all. The doctor started off my talking to me about the Washington Wizards chances to win the NBA title this year. And in the very next breath he said to me, put your elbows on the table, and I was like what? (in my head). So while talking about Gilbert Arenas, my doctor proceeds to stick his fingers all the way up my ass..sorry to be so explicit here, but you can't possibly imagine how violated I felt man..And then after he took his hands out, he just kept on talking to me about God, the NBA and his marriage. And I STILL feel the effects of him doing that(i'll spare the details). I told him that there has to be a better way, and he said that there is, but the involves an even more invasive procedure, and I was like fine, I'll stick to the fingers in the ass. But its nothing a straight man should have to endure.

I also learned at the doctor that I now have high blood pressure, which is not cool at all a result, I have no choice but to alter my diet and workout habits ASAP. As my doctor said to me, I'm at the age where any bad habits can be nipped in the bud, and corrected without long term damage, so I'm going to take note and correct that. I don't want to be one of those men, who has a laundry list of health problems in his 40s and beyond. I will total piece of mine, once my HIV/STD tests come matter how many times I take it, and no matter how safe I've been, I always breathe a big sigh of relief when it comes back..I can't wait until tomorrow.

I'm about to lose my voice man..this happens to me at least once every year, and I feel it happening right now. Part of me likes it, because it means I can sound like Harry Belafonte or Candyman..both long time heroes of mine.

By the way, this has nothing to do with anything, but my appreciation for Stevie Wonder's CD, Innervisions has grown over the past couple of days. I bought the CD, because the song Jesus Children of America was played in the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness. But while I was just trying to hear that song, I got the chance to listen to the entire CD for the first time in like 5 years, and the genius of Stevie never gets old. He talks about heaven, drug abuse, jesus, being in love, falling out of love, and city living. And unlike some artist who have good messages, but bad music, he manages to tackle both successfully. So if you have the chance, run out and buy it..

Monday, January 01, 2007

Well, January 1st is here, and for once I'm not going to be cynical about the new year or my resolutions or anything. I'll just relish the chance to have a series of "fresh" starts. This year will be a very interesting one to say the least. I'm looking forward to it.

The real, long and thoughtful blogs will return on the 3rd. I just wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone. It should be quite a ride.