Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I'm convinced that people do all types of sneaky, nasty and repugnant things in the elevator. Sometimes I happen to smell these things when I walk in the elevator after someone. Other times the guilty looks from a couple once the elevator door opens tells a story. I know there have been plenty times when I have done some serious crotch adjustment when in the midst of an extended solo elevator ride. This is nothing that I am particularly proud of, I just did what had to be done..and quickly.

So I was not at all surprised at 6:30 this morning, when I saw one of the women who lives in my building, removing her hand from under her dress when the elevator door opened. But this woman was clearly shocked that I was standing there, but I don't know why. I was soaking wet from a 5 mile run in 90 degree heat, and all I was seeking the sweet solace of a cool elevator ride to my apartment. But this woman was so shocked, that she didn't say good morning, she didn't look me in the eye, and she didn't say excuse me as she walked out of the elevator right in front of me. Me being the friendly, aiming-for-neighbor-of-the-year brother that I am, I still said good morning to her even though it was met with silence. But damn if I didn't wonder what the hell she was doing with her skirt pulled up and her hand up it when the door opened. I was able to come up with a short list of possibilities though:

1) her underwear was twisted and causing her discomfort, so she had to work it on out

2) she was going commando and she wanted to feel the coarseness of her pubic hairs while she had a free moment

3) she had gotten some action (from another or self imposed) this morning and the residual moisture she thought she had wiped away, had crept back

4)she had the uncanny ability to get herself off in 10 seconds, and she thought she had timed it perfectly, but the elevator door opened prematurely

Whatever the reason was..if you're reading this neighbor, I'm sorry for interrupting you, next time I'll just extend my workout another minute or two by taking the stairs.

And finally I would like suggest that none of you watch Lebron "Attention Whore" James' press conference on Thursday night. During this sham of an event, LeBron will allegedly announce where he has chosen to play for the next three or so seasons. James, who hasn't won a title despite being in the NBA seven years, is selling sponsorship to this event, and will allegedly donate all proceeds to the Boys and Girls Club. The charity part is great I suppose but the event is just sickening. Mr. James, the way you become a global icon is not through contrived events like this, its by winning, winning and winning again (see your idol Michael Jordan). You come off like a pompous ass by doing it this way..

But unfortunately, many people (including some of you reading my blog) will watch this event, it'll get great ratings, and the LeBron media runaway train will continue to roll with reckless abandon. And if you think this sounds like unabashed hate for the man, then you my friend, are 100% correct. I can't stand LeBron eats me up that he's my son's favorite basketball player. It eats me up even more that I like his movie, "More Than A Game" (although in fairness to me that focused on the pre-NBA LeBron). I'm rambling now.

Speaking of movies, go see Cyrus if you can. I saw it on Monday, it was pretty good.

I Get A Kick Out Of You - The Jungle Brothers

1 comment:

maxwellsmusze said...

i'm quite disturbed by your list of theories! wow! lol!!!!