Thursday, September 23, 2010

From the age of 10 all the way up until age 17, I was fascinated with the logistics of prayer--especially as it related to older folks. Older folks prayed before meals, before long trips, in bible study and of course in church, and I became a prayer-scholar if you will. I listened to the cadences, I watch every one's faces, I watched how tightly the hands were being held in the prayer circle, and every now and then I would catch someone with their eyes open looking at me (which was funny and terrifying at the same time).

It seemed like there were four main roles that needed to be fulfilled during a prayer session:

1)The leader: This is the person in charge of organizing and vocalizing the actual prayer. I used to wonder if this person had something memorized, or did they use the spirit to come up with a freestyle of sorts, that would fit the occasion. Having been in this position before, I can say without a doubt, that I am ALWAYS freestyling my prayers; however, if I could have a bulleted-pointed prayer cheat sheet on my person, I would be better off.

2)The "ad libber": This is the person who really wanted to lead the prayer, but they somehow got the shaft. So they make it their job to lightly sabotage the leader by throwing in ad libs. The ad libber (and supporters of the ad libber) will tell you that this person just feels the spirit and is moved to spiritually ad lib, and you can believe that horsesh*t if want to, but its a hoax. Why else would someone constantly interrupt the lead prayer by saying, "Yes", "Yes Lord", "Thank you Jesus", "Yes Yes Lord Thank you Jesus"? Its sabotage son.

3) The "closer": The closer is like the ad libber with manners. The closer waits out the prayer and the ad libs, and once they hear the lead prayer say, "Amen!", they jump in and say amen again, but with more feeling. Not to be terribly sexist here, but the closer is a better fit for a man with a deep voice. My Uncle Melvin used to say "Amen" in such a deep, booming voice, that I honestly that it was God in the closer role. After the closer has spoken, prayer is over, and real life can resume. Its no coincidence that kids and non-believers love the closer.

4) The "handsqueezer": This is the person who either who just involuntarily squeezes the sh*t out of your hand during group prayer, and the only thing that keeps you from strangling them, is the fact that your other hand is being held as well. You can be 30 seconds or so into a prayer, and everything is lovely, and then BOOM, they squeeze your hand because the spirit has moved them. This is all well and good for them, but meanwhile your entire left side is numb, and now its a Bob Dole situation.

So why do I bring this up? Last night before my fiancee and I ate the wonderful meal she cooked, she decided to say grace out loud. I'd say about 85% of the time we say grace to ourselves, but I guess last night was a 15% type of night. So she started saying grace, and about 10 seconds or so into it, I whispered "Yes" a few times, and we both burst out laughing, which effectively ended any chance that God would bless our food. We've done this a few times to one another, and it never ceases to be funny, given all the ad libbers we have encountered in our youth. If you haven't been able to pick up on this already, we are REALLY immature, which is why we can only marry one another.

By the way, me posting this video below has nothing to do with previous entry I've made. I just heard this song while I was typing and decide to link it.


Jazzbrew said...

LOL @ the "ad libber" -- they remind me Bundini Brown.

Leader: You've been so good...

Ad Libber: So good... rumble young man rumble!

LittleTortilla stays in DC said...

this was so funny

Anonymous said...

LOL! This is hilarious.