Friday, October 31, 2008

My apologies to Bill Maher...

New rules: If there is a line of five individuals at Starbucks, and you are the fifth person to order a drink, you can NOT hover over the drink pickup area, like you are lion protecting your young. But if you decide that's the course of action you want to take, and you're a portly, obese person, you can't get mad when someone tries to pick up their drink and they accidentally brush you.

This lady ordered her drink last, and had her big stomach and breasts all over the drink pickup area. I attempted to get mine(that's what she said), and she would NOT move, so I had to gangster my way to the drink, and in doing so, I caught the left side of her breast, and she had the nerve to suck her teeth, and act angry, but at no point did she back her big ass up.

New rules: Unless you can show me a 10 bullet point list of how its done, you cannot walk around saying that you put country first more than anyone else. McCain and Palin are killing me with these signs everywhere claiming they are doing this, yet no one bothers to ask them how they accomplish this. Better yet, aside from a young spry William Ayers in his prime and criminals, who DOESN'T put their country first? We live here, we spend money here, we pay taxes, etc, so just shut the hell up with that bull

New rules: If Michelle and Barack Obama send me another email asking me for money and support, I am unleashing the fury on their inbox come November 5th. Whether they win or lose the election, I (and all 10 of my friends) will send them emails four or five times a day, with updates in my life: Rashad just brushed up against a monstrous breast at Starbucks; Rashad is two seconds away from getting some great sex; Rashad is a little light in the wallet and needs a donation. If they can do it to me, I can do it right back to them and I will.

New rules: Girlfriends/wives have to always buy clothes for their man/husband. My lady bought me this black shirt on Tuesday, and initially I was skeptical. It was a bit young (read: small) on me, and I felt like Common for a second. But today when I put it on, loosened up a bit, and fit perfectly, and I have gotten a compliment on it already. I never get compliments on things that I buy, but whenever m'lady hooks me up, all of sudden I feel special. So dear, if you're reading this (and you better be), if you could buy all of my shirt and slacks now, that would be terrific.

Stevie Wonder, live on Soul Train, performing, "Perfect Angel" and "Lovin You" during a tribute to Minnie Ripperton(1979):


Miss. Lady said...

ROFL! @ the obese lady. Did you say excuse me?

rashad said...

I sure did..

Miss. Lady said...

Oh ok, then at that point I would have reverted to my former self and told her to MOVE... see this is why I stay in the house.

Janelle said...

first of all big momma was trying to take your drink.
2nd - I'm tired of these "real american' bullshit. If I'm not a "real american" then give me back all the taxes you take from my single, non-dependant having ass.

3rd - I smile when I see Barack's name in my inbox. When I see Michelle's, I think "busted!" hahahahaa

4th - I think its a fabulous idea unless she buys Pinky's wife's book. Then you'll be pinktastic too. And yes I will clown you. hahahahahaa

Jazzbrew said...

Man... I don't go in Starbucks if it's crowded just to avoid the situation that you described. Happens all the time. Crowding the drink area. Granted... I haven't brushed up against any giant bagonzas but I feel your pain.

£ said...

Rashad. Perfect angel is one of my favorite favorite favorite songs, in the history of evAr. So after reading this blog, im going to go listen to that.

um but yeah how is miss chonky gonna get mad that you touch her bosom? ugh that kills me. If your girth is everywhere then it has to be moved in order to make room for something else. um hello the laws of displacement? like you wanted to touch her mammoth mammary. please.