Thursday, October 23, 2008

There are three things that frighten me when I am in midst of my morning 3 mile run: Squirrels, Homeless People and Dogs.

Squirrels scare me just because of their pure unpredictability. They are quick, they are shifty, their change of direction is phenomenal, and when you consider that are basically glorified rats, there is a hint of crazy in them as well. When I see one of these creatures while I'm running, my first impulse is to just keep running, because I am working under the premise that they simply defer to me..similar to the cars operate at a four-way stop. But there are other instances when these squirrels just keep running towards me en route to their destination, and although I am 70% sure they won't attack, that 30% makes me quicken the pace a bit. I quicken the pace, I get out of rhythm, then I get tired prematurely..sounds like sex a bit huh?

Now when I describe how I'm fearful of the homeless, this is no way a mockery of them and their situation. I am simply describing how they affect my jogs. Now, when I leave for my run around 6:15 or so, most of the homeless crew are still sleeping, but some of them are just waking up. This morning for example, this gentleman and his shopping card just abruptly emerged from a dark alley, and I literally yelled out, "Oh shit!", and then the homeless guy jumped back a bit, and it was just too much for me to take at 6am. Other times, I see homeless people, and despite the fact that I am running and completely out of breath, they still ask me for money. This creates a huge guilt trip on my part, because I feel like I should at least give SOME of the homeless folk SOME money, but I don't want to shortchange my workout, so I keep it moving. This paragraph feels a bit mean.

The last but certainly not the least of my jogging fears revolve around dogs. When I am not running I can deal with dogs. I pet some, ignore some, and all the rest I stay ready to kick in their jaw, and then run away from them like Usain Bolt. Unfortunately when I am mid-run my options with the dogs are a bit more limited. The dogs can bother me in two ways: 1)Their damn flea collars/identification chains jingle and make all kind of racket. Sometimes I hear the noise before I actually see the dog, and this is a head-on-a-swivel situation and its very distracting when I am trying to set world records during this 3 mile run. 2)You have dogs who for some reason feel the need to bark and growl like DMX, when they see you coming. I want to give the dog owner the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they will reel the dog in and away from me. But with all dogs there is a split second that you lose control before you reel them in, and I am fearful that this lapse in response time will cost me a bit of my leg or even worse my genitals. I'd go from running to stay in shape, to a life of impotence.

If you haven't already, please read the Larry David article that is right below the song I am getting ready to post. Its pretty damn me at least.

Rollercoaster - Everything But the Girl


Jazzbrew said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person who doesn't trust squirrels. Even when they are sitting eating acorns they have that "bout to flip the hell out" look in their eyes.

The problem with jogging and dogs is they almost always pop up to chase you when you're tired. When you are at the 2.8 mile mark the sprint gear just doesn't work.

Your "oh sh*t" shout made coffee jump out my nose this morning. That was priceless.

£ said...

omg i have a squirrel story which i would tell but i think i've regaled you with that one already. In fact i think i've regaled( yes the word regaled - twice in one day!) everyone with it. (i only have two or three stories in circulation that aren't DOA)

anyway im dying laughing @ the homeless dude just emerging from the dark alley, and your subsequent reaction. I probably would have had a heart attack. What is with the homeless people and the alleys? i mean i don't begrudge them a spot to get a semblance of peace, quiet and privacy but sheesh. some warning please? a bike bell or something.

anyway can i say that you've inspired me with your newfound dedication to health? *thumbs up*