Saturday, August 08, 2009

I got a handjob from the Asian chick I met last night, but I couldn't seal the deal, hahahahah


I was on the train this morning, en route to do some shopping for my son's birthday on Thursday, when I saw this gentleman text the above quote to one of his boys. I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping and looking at this guy's phone, it just so happens that the way I was sitting allowed me to get a clear view. As soon as I read this, I wanted to bust out laughing, but I didn't dare do that, because there was a chance that more hilarious messages would be typed, and to make any loud, sudden movements would jeopardize my chances of seeing them. Unfortunately, my stop was next, so I had to get off the train anyway. As soon as I got off the train, I told my lady about what I had seen, and we both let out hearty laughter. And then we both agreed there were numerous talking points in that one sentence alone. Thus a blog entry was born.

Now, let's break down all the gems in that sentence:

I got a handjob

Single or in a relationship, I was never a person who dug handjobs. If I may say so myself, I do a pretty bang up job handling my own member, and I'm not in the business of contracting it out to the hands of another woman. I know what I like, I know how to "finish" in a timely fashion, and I've mastered the post-job cleanup. It is an efficient operation I run, and to have someone else come to do the job, while a nice gesture, is simply not necessary. So I have a hard time understanding why guys settle for this. If a woman is willing to give you some hand action, why not push the envelope and make it a job of the blow variety? Or why not ask the young lady if she wants to house your member betwixt her breasts? Both these options are not available to a man who is alone, and they make much more sense than just some hand action. I think this guy got a raw deal.

Asian

At first glance, it seemed pretty pointless for this dude to name her nationality. But then I delved deeper, and came up with a bit of a theory. Maybe this guy and his crew don't venture outside of their race too often, and by mentioning to his boy that she was Asian, he instantly became the Jackie Robinson of his crew. By settling for a handjob from an Asian woman, he had reached legendary status(although that has to be tainted a bit by just the handjob).

That I met last night

Any props that I attempted to deny this man for only getting a handjob, get instantly restored because it was his first night meeting this woman. Chances are he went out for drinks last night around 8 or 9 with his crew, and he probably saw this chick around 11 or 12 or so. The drinks floweth on both sides, he had that liquid courage, and he stepped to her with all the game he had. As hesitant as she was initially, once that liquor was firmly entrenched in her system, the flirtation kicked up a few notches, their respective libidos levels were higher than Snoop Dogg on a cross country flight, and it was crystal clear that both parties were getting lucky. Even in her drunken state, she probably said, this guy is cool, and I am drunk, but he is NOT getting inside me, I am NOT putting him in my mouth, and my chest is too small for him to be in between there, so I must handjob him up. The guy, as disappointed as he was not to get in her or betwixt her bosom, would have been crazy to turn that down, so he was a welcome, eager participant.

I couldn't seal the deal

I've covered why he couldn't seal the deal already, so that certainly is not the allure of this part of the sentence. I just like the he used this phrase. He could have said, "but I didn't hit", or "but she was bullshitting". He could have lied and saved face with his boys and said, "but she was on the rag" or "but I passed out", but he was 100% honest by saying he couldn't seal the deal. Why is this brilliant? At first glance, it seems like his crew would clown him for not getting the ultimate prize. But once he meets up with his boys and tells the entire story, it becomes legendary with his crew, and he basically becomes a hero. If his story telling abilities are epic enough, he can dazzle his friends so much, that they forget that he didn't get laid, and focus on the rest of the story.

hahahahaha

The fact that this guy didn't type a smiley face or "LOL" means that he has integrity as a man. I've seen men type "LOL" or use the damn smiley face (including my father) and immediately I question their membership in the fraternity of men. I'm not saying men don't laugh while sending emails (although this guy didn't crack a smile after he hit "send") but that's really not something your boys care about. But in this instance, given the magnitude of the situation, his hands were tied and he had to attach some type of emotion to this email, and the "hahahahaha" was absolutely the way to go.

In the words of Tommy Lee Jones in the movie The Fugitive (4:12 of this video) "Well done young man!!"

6 comments:

Mittens said...

lmao. this is awesome... both his text and your analysis of it

....: blue :.... said...

*dead*
again

how come i never get any gems coming my way when i'm on the train? hmph. if/when i do, i'm going to send you what i see so you can do the comedic write up on it.

maxwellsmusze said...

i can only imagine the kind of searches will bring people to this site. i guess those who are googling asian handjobs...

hilarious!

Jamal said...

This blog entry is genius. Probably the best one ever outside of the 7/17 entrees.

Jazzbrew said...

Brilliant.

£ said...

i hate you for this. lol