Friday, February 19, 2010

Here is how Tiger Woods' press conference should go today:

"Hello all and thank you for coming out and supporting me. As you all know I am going through some personal issues right now, and while I'm working those out, I'd ask that you continue to give me privacy. And if you don't want to give me privacy, then f**k you, because when I start winning match after match like Edwin Moses, you all will be right back on my d**k, and I'll ignore you.

But the REAL reason I am here, is to announce that I will be returning to golf on March 25 at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. I played there and won last year, I'm comfortable there, and Arnold Palmer is my boy. And to you golfers who have been taking advantage of my personal life issues, and talking sh*t about me, let's remember something: I own you. You can't beat me at golf, so you try to take shots at me while I'm gone, and that's fine. Well I'm back now, and I'm coming for that ass.

Thank you Nike for continuing to hold me down. That was huge...huge!."

If Tiger searched the internets, found my speech, and belted it out verbatim, I'd buy a poster of him and put it up at my job. Then I'd beg him to pay me 100k a year to run his website..but I digress.


Janelle said...

Um yeah, so hows that 100k treating you??!! hahahahaha

scout said...

lololol, if tiger had said that he'd have been fried, died, and laid to the side. you should have ended it with "so yeah, i cheated on my wife a gabillion times. And, what!?"

Jazzbrew said...

It was painful watching that interview on Friday. I mean PAINFUL. At this point I'm like -- just follow the lead of Kobe Bryant and Ray Lewis... return to your sport, win and everyone will forget this isht. Seriously.

And what is the name of the cat who just stood around LL and nodded his head (usually offbeat)?