Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Senator Larry Craig really needs to give it up. He's on an award tour right now trying to convince anyone who will listen(this morning it was the Today Show's Matt Lauer) that he is not gay, he is innocent of the charges he plead guilty to, and he will continue to vigorously fight to clear his good name. At the same time he is appealing the judges decision to overturn his guilty plea, and he is highly critical his Republican colleagues who have basically turned their collective backs to him, which they very well should considering election year is coming. So, in an effort to do some good public service for Larry, I have offered to ghostwrite a press release for him, so that he can finally put this situation to rest. This is also known as, "The Marion Jones":

Dear Friends, Colleagues, and Media,

First let me apologize for lying about not only this situation, but about my sexuality in general the past 25/26 years or so. I am gay..oh I am so gay. I was in that Minnesota airport trying to get a little pre-boarding loving the way I do once a month, and I just happened get all Marion Barry-ed up, and it was really unfortunate. I was expecting big things to jump off in that particular stall, but I digress. I entered a guilty plea originally because I was dead wrong, and I thought my political career was over. But then I watched Michael Vick apologize, and I remembered that I am white, privileged, and I work for the federal government, so that empowered me to try to hide this lie of me being gay a bit longer. But my fellow Americans, I am just not prepared to alienate my gay brethren like that..they've held me down, tied me up, and kept me on my knees..in prayer of course. To those people in the great state of Idaho who voted for me, let me say that I am sorry. I always did my best while I was in office, and I am married with kids, so I do have a bit of an idea of what it means to be a "family". My wife has known that I am gay for quite some time, but she said I could do my thing as long as I kept it quiet, gave her a family, and kept her financially stable and I have done that...except for the keeping it quiet part. My Republican brothers and sisters know that I am gay..hell, I've slept with some of them, but the agreement was to keep it quiet, and I have betrayed them too, so I don't blame them for turning their backs on me. In conclusion, I will withdrawal all of my appeals, I will leave my office in Idaho, and I will now turn to my REAL passion, which is that of a Catholic Priest. Thank you. God Bless You, God Bless America, and nowhere else.

That's Why I Lied - New Edition

2 comments:

Marisa said...

This letter is great!

lex said...

haha...dude...