Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Why should athletes have all the fun man? Someone smart (my vote is for Cornel West or Bill Gates) needs to invent a performance-enhancing drug for writers. I'm having an off month in my blogging because of outside writing obligations, and since my blog spawned every writing gig I've ever had, I feel like I need a boost to get me back on my game. I've been giving 100% and I'm not a slacker, I'm doing the work, but I seem to be falling short of the mountaintop. Where is my drug man?

If I had a chance to customize this writing wonder drug, I'd make it come in the form of Chik-fil-A sandwiches. No needles in the ass or arm, no big horse pill that are too big for me to swallow (that's what she said), and no special cocktail for me to drink. Just mix the powerful elixir into a Chik-fil-A sandwich, let me eat it, go to sleep, then BAM! When I wake up I'll be banging out the scintillating sentences and the powerful prose like my name is John Wideman...or David Halberstam. or any of my favorite writers.

Seriously though, I cannot sit here and honestly say that I would never do a performance enhancing drug if I were a world class athlete, especially if there were one that made me a foot taller. Many of these athletes are playing it straight, doing the right thing, and getting contracts far inferior to their pill popping brethren. And athletic careers are so short, and the window of opportunity to make millions is so small, who can blame them for wanting to cut corners. The only caveat is, when you get caught, come ALL the way clean. Don't say you unknowingly took something and don't lie to Katie Couric, and then come clean a year later, just come out and say, "Hell yeah I took steroids, everyone else was doing it, I had to get mine(s)." Sure you may go to jail, lose all your money, and be publicly humiliated. But eventually folks will feel sorry for you, and then you can write a book, go on Oprah, cry her a river, then all is forgiven. Isn't this how these things work?

For the first time since her surgery, my lady will be home alone all day long, without her mother or me to watch after her. So if you're reading this, just know that you'll be fine m'lady, and if you need anything just call me as many times as you need to. I'll answer the phone every 3 times you call.

Get Along With You - Kelis
One of my top 20 songs ever. The video isn't bad either. It has a Tim Burton. vibe to it..


£ said...

if, and when, the CW and the BG decide to concoct this magical writing elixir - sign me up. and they aint even gotta put it in the chik fil a chicken sammich. put it in their sweet tea and I'm good.

btw A-Rod is an idiot.

glad to hear your lady is making good progress. very good news.

oh and that kelis song is the bomb. one of my favorites too

Chubbs said...

yes to 'roid-enhanced Chik-fil-a sammiches. yum!! I haven't been following the sports news, but I agree with Lex--A-Rod is an idiot. And I don't like his hair cut. And is he bonedancing with Madonna or not...can we get finally the truth on that?? Where's Katie Couric with that interview??

Love this Kelis song...I miss her old stuff (and by old stuff, I'm referring to "I Hate You So Much" and this song)...love the luminescent makeup, and the Tim Burton-esque cinematics.